you gotta fight // for your right // to part-aaayyy

I don't want to go into the details on how I learned this, but the last couple of weeks were of the kind that would've made me loose respect for myself if I wouldn't've finally learned this lesson.

I had to get rid of someone I had known for over a decade, coz I couldn't keep on letting myself be hurt. there finally came the moment when I realized that no, I'm not some psycho bitch for wanting respect, that I didn't deserve being treated like a damn toy to be dragged out into the light whenever monsieur felt bored or lonely, that I didn't deserve this feeling of worthlessness. that I hadn't done anything to trigger getting kicked every time I stood up and said no more.

and I think I figured out how to stop it. by being honest without calling names. by standing up and asking "how would you feel if I did this to you?" and I wasn't really surprised when no answer came back. maybe said person's head exploded for all that thinking harmed it. who knows. who cares. not me. I've washed my hands. can go and fuck himself, for all I care. he didn't change, I did.

do I need a "friend" like this? nah-uh.

a mate of mine put it nicely when suggesting monsieur can go and be friends with his mum.

and guess what? this huge weight, this rock on my shoulders has finally dropped. I've found that bounce in my step again. I found that my grin has replaced the smirk of previous weeks. I've caught myself being semi-happy, of all things! ;-))

bright red

tonight I harvested the first bright red tomato off my balcony. its scent alone was enough to make my mouth water. and its taste! oh my, sweet like sugar, an extreme tomatoey taste!

can't wait for its brethren to redden and ripen so I can munch 'em all up!

at least one thing I've done well this year....

the bee's knees

I hate insects. find them incredibly disgusting. always have, I don't even like butterflies. I do love bees and wasps though. always have, always will. when I was a little girl, in kindergarten, I always ran around barefoot on the grass. I must've been 4 or 5 years old when I stepped into a half-dead bee on the grass. course it stung me in its death throes. I wouldn't stop crying, was totally unconsolable. they pulled its sting out of my footsole and it was clearly deceased. "aw, does it hurt lots?" asked me mammy, the principal. "no", I bawled, "I killed it." course me mammy explained to me that it had probably already been halfdead anyways and it didn't sting me on purpose. "I know that. but still, it's dead now!"

since then, I've a deep interest in bees and wasps (since they look like their cousins, right)

today, as I was standing out on the balcony at work, there was a bee sitting on its floor. at first I thought it was dead, as it wasn't moving at all. when I came back a coupla hours later, I guess it started noticing my baby-blue sneakers. I know that bees see colours differently than we do, so it was probably trying to check them out, as it started to crawl slowly towards me. my heart almost broke, I felt so sorry for it. I doubt it would've wanted honey from the kitchen. I mean, they produce it, but they eat pollen, right?

the poor sod, when it's still there tomorrow, I'll have to come up with a way to find it a home ;-))

when you're happy and you know it clap your hands...

so I got up this morning and of course I was rather knackered. sat on the train to work and tried to relax with my book and a coffee and when I got to work, I thought, okay, let's do this. chatted with a friend who asked me to wake him up in about 4 hours. sure, I said, but turn the ringer-volume up so I won't have to talk to your answerphone while you oversleep.

the next thing after taking care of some business was calling the dispatcher of my city's garbage company. I was interested in the collection of some bulky garbage (said mattress, slatted frame, two recliner chairs I'd moved with a few times now and which I want out of my bedroom now, an old bicycle that's beyond repairing (could buy a new shitty bike with the cost of repair) and other nonsense, like this wooden frame I'd once planned to redo and put a picture behind). no problem, said the lady-dispatcher, for your street it's always doable, would you like tuesday in a week or a later date? woah, I said, it's possible that quick? I'm delighted. she laughs and says, sure thing, so tuesday in a week from 06.30 am on it'll be. I'm to sort out the stuff by what it is and then the lads will pick it up. will cost 15 € per 20 minutes of picking it up and throwing it on the truck. super, says I, then I'm looking forward to it.

after the 4 hours were up, I called my buddy on the phone and damn, he sounded vulnerable and cute, with a sleepy husky voice. said thankyou to me, while I said get up, get under the shower and get dressed, this is your wake-up-call.

15 minutes later, I called him again. myself, I'm of the likes, the first alarm clock goes off, I switch it off and turn around, my eyes close and I fall back to sleep. the second alarm clock goes off rinse and repeat. he answered the phone with a chuckle, said the buddy who's supposed to pick him up in an hour just called 5 minutes after my call and he answered it with a growl and a gawd-you're-obnoxious as he thought it was me again. to which the innocent buddy on the other side of the phone went huh? and my friend had to explain to him he was expecting it to be someone else calling.

of course I laughed when he told me, teasing him about how come he thought it'd be me, how he answers the phone with words meant for me. good thing he didn't use his usual go to hell, girly growlllll
hehehe

then I e-mailed my dad to ask him for assistance with the furniture carrying next monday night and since he's the reliable knight sorta man, he answered sure thing.

some things might not be brilliant. but at least I got lucky with the trash ;-))

downhill

there's days that start really good, like a sunday like yesterday's... 3 perfect cups of cappuccino, finishing one book and starting another, cooking a great dinner with leftovers that'll get me over another 2 days, doing some washing-up and watching a dvd and a movie on the telly, all in all, basically doing fuck-all.

then late at night, it pretty much went downhill. some weeks ago, my little brother had asked me if I could hold onto a mattress and a slatted frame for him, after I'd bought new ones for my bed, as he was broke-as-usual and wanted new ones for his bed. sure, I said, but you gotta pick them up untill date a) and weeks later, date b). of course, nothing happened in that respect and after 2 months, he told me on the phone yesterday that he'd decided against it and he didn't want/need these anymore. the thing is, I'll have a guest over in about 2 weeks' time and I'm kind of running out of time getting the guest room semi-habitable.

so I laid in bed, late night (or actually in the wee hours of the night), stressed out and angry, trying to figure out something to solve this.

to be continued....