one thing you can't hide...

... is when you're crippled inside. yeah, good old john had a point there. what's it with some people anyways? since when do some people think it's acceptable to ignore e-mails or notes by the one that they claimed they love only weeks before? since when is "oh I'm only ever working and I only read my stuff once every month" a feasible excuse to be impolite? since when is it manly and mature to jump into every chance to work, just so ya don't have to make a decision about your life or just tell your insignificant other to fuck off. "oh, I'm never home, I work the whole week and on weekends, I do 2 other jobs". no, it's not about the money. it's about being a fecken' workaholic who can't sit still for a moment and who wouldn't have a minute for me anyways, so don't make me feel guilty for living so far away. I'm not some toy, dammit.

yeah, I know, I was trying to be all cool and understanding and accepting. well, trying isn't being, right? inhale 's gonna be alright, you know you can go through this exhale you'll be strong and you won't scream inhale and you won't lay down and cry, you'll persevere exhale you're a good person and it's too soon to give up on living inhale everything's gonna be alright, maybe not today and certainly not tomorrow, but it will exhale


in other news: people, if you ever by a shelf or a rack or anything that comes in parts that need to be assembled: look at the instruction papers once, look good, and then toss them away. that's what I did last weekend when setting up a big shelf. the "manual" was manure and it had the kind of mistake in it that made sure setting the damn thing up would be impossible a task. it had pictures and all and they'd put stickers on every part inside the package and still it was useless. but then I put the manual aside, thought things through and in 20 minutes, the damn shelf was set up, looked good, stood stable and is now home to a couple hundred CDs.


I also signed up for a rehab gym on monday night. friday afternoon, I'll have my first trainer appointment. once upon a time, not that many years ago, I used to go to said gym regularly. I had a sixpack. which is now a beer barrel. I want to change the status quo. maybe I can take all that pent-up anger and frustration and re-invest it into me-time.

at some stage during the last few years I allowed others to trample all over me. that's over. no more miss nice guy. I've had it to here with emotional cripples.

I accept

lately, I've took a little me-time to figure out a couple of things. haven't had the easiest year, been having a high-noon of sorts with my mind. sometimes, fighting with depression over the course of a few months can lead to an outcome that wouldn't've been there without the condition. I'll aim high now and say I've overcome it pretty much. I've climbed out of my hole and I feel stronger than before. learned a thing or two about myself as well.

so, what have I learned? well, for one, I figured I'm one of those people who do things their own way. niche-product of sorts. which also means I'm not bound to conventions others need. I'm trying to accept things I couldn't before. some things just are and I don't need to change them. I couldn't anyways, no matter how hard I'd try. and either I just accept them or bump my head against the wall. the outcome is the same. the change must come from within myself. my perspective, my angle of looking at it. and suddenly, it turns out it's not unbearable. suddenly, I can accept that there's things out there I'd like more if they were different, but hey - the way they are ain't so bad as it might appear. which also means I don't have to be upset about every little detail. I can choose what I like and stick to that, not having to care about what could be or what might be or what should be. the should be part is bull anyways.

yeah, so what if I'm almost 30 and "still single, no kids"? I've forgotten what it means to date exclusively. I have no clue what it means sharing a home with your significant other. the mates who already have kids moved away so long ago, I don't even remember how it is having a rugrat running around your feet, making you trip every time you don't see those shorties. I simply have no clue about what it all entails, so why should I feel I'm missing out on something? that'd like saying I'm missing out on.. umm.. being an astronaut, too, flying around the earth fiddling with a spaceship. or I'm missing out on not being able to see the wall the loo's attached to when pissing as I have the wrong gender for that kind of joys. I can't know what it's like. how can I miss something I don't even know?

"if you don't do as I say, I won't play with you anymore" is a statement fit for a 5-year-old in the sandbox. I've figured out I'm almost 30 and it's too lame to be angry at people or situations if they differ from my own point-of-view. it's a waste of time and strength to drive myself up the wall. it hurts too much. but the moment I let go of that anger, the moment I just lean back and enjoy the ride and just take whatever is hauled my way... well, that's the moment when I finally relax and just am myself.

is this what unconditional love means? not feeling a need to change someone or wishing for them or the situation being a lot more different? I accept I love. I accept that he's this way and he's over there and things are a bit complicated. he's a workaholic, I think he barely ever sleeps. is that my problem? no, it is not. I don't make it my problem, anyways. the moments we have are precious to me. but so is my me-time. the situation at hand doesn't take anything away from me. I'm not losing anything. I don't need a hollywood-style life or relationship. yeah, so I'm not "normal". I don't aim for it, either. I can't pretend I'm someone or something I just ain't. I just want to be myself. thinking I have to fulfill some convention that ain't my own is too stupid for words. you like it differently? fine, go have it your way, but don't tell me I'm doing something wrong. this is my life and I still think Pippi Longstockings was one of the wisest girls out there ;)

I appreciate every little thing, every little moment that comes my way. as a nice surprise, how a ray of happiness can make my day worthwhile all of a sudden. I realized I laugh a lot when I'm relaxed and relieved and things are not as dark as they seemed just a moment ago.

what would I achieve with tossing my anger and unhappiness at everyone and anything? nothing. just scar myself over and over again. don't need that. if I kept it up, I'd look like freddy kruger one day. which is okay if you have knives for fingers, but it might not be the kind of outlook I'm going for myself here ;)

apparently, I don't need anyone's approval anymore. I know what I like and if someone can't give that to me, well, too fucken' bad! I can do nice things for myself, care for myself. letting go of expectations that noone can ever fulfill has made me calm down, has made me see what I need and what I thought I needed. two different things completely. it's set me free, realizing all this over the course of months.

it doesn't mean I let someone else treat me like shit. it does mean I don't have to give a toss if someone is trying to hurt or ignore or whatever me. has nothing to do with me. what has to do with me is stuff that comes from within me. and then it doesn't matter if someone or something else is involved. I need myself, and myself only. let others do whatever they damn well please, I'm busy with pleasing myself. (harrr harrr, no I didn't mean THAT, ye dirty bugger) I do things because I want to do them, not because I should do them. different thing.

accepting the differences has added a special flavour to my life at this moment. I can only change myself, not others. I can't make world peace happen, but I can bring peace to myself.

a piece of humble pie has never harmed anyone.

in other news... I give you a happy moment: yesterday, as I stood on the balcony at work, having a good old smoke, I looked around me, just enjoying the moment. there's a lilac tree behind the garage down there, and there were at least a dozen brimstone- and peacock butterflies rampantly diving into the blooms and then fluttering around again, looked like they were playing catch with each other. suddenly, there was this thump! sound next to me. I look down next to my feet. some kind of striped bug had landed on the balcony floor, but had toppled over and fallen on its back. poor sod couldn't get back up on its feet, so I pushed it over by one side of legs and then it just sat there, perplex. am I turning into ace ventura here, or what? hehehe

gaah

dear zadie smith,
you're pissing me off. not enough that every book ya toss on the market is better than the one before (which was kinda diff, what with the status quo being brilliant to begin with), no, the ideas and the language improve, too. I hate it when someone is more gifted than me ;)

*chuckles*

people, go buy her stuff. it's really that good. damn.

let me entertain you

there's nothing that cheers me up like going to a concert. been to club concerts, been to festivals, I love the big stadium ones. 70 000 people doing la-ola, cheering each other and themselves and their entertainers on.

now you know which stadium I frequent regularly ;) this was after basement jaxx had left the stage (those girls really can sing. the costumes might give ya eye cancer though, bless) and I managed to use the gents' (my bladder can't wait 2 hours en queue with hundreds of other girls) and grab a hold of a bunch of beers for me wee bro' and myself.

can you see him? yes, him, the little ant on the stage surrounded by a happy enthusiastic crowd. yeah, we love him. yeah, he said he loves us. repeatedly. yeah, I dig going to his concerts. go on then, robbie, wave at us and show us your bum!

oh lord, make me pure...

... but not yet.

;)

a break

I'm taking a break from reality. I'm burned out to the point where my stress levels are so high, my stomach decided digestion was something for sissies, so it stopped working. one day I've the runs, the next I couldn't take a shit for love or money. which means, I basically live off cola and dry buns half the time, and have an apple or a peach to make sure - just in case my colon needs help - it can leave the premises...ermm... you do the maths ;)

in other non-news, I try to keep to myself as much aspossible. I can't go clubbing, coz the last time I tried, I started crying when the dj played daddee yankee's gasolina. yeah, that's silly (not exactly the most romantic track there is) ... but... I hear it and I still feel his hands around me, feel his hip grind against my bum like that night in april. and then I turn around and he isn't there. he's not there :(

he deals differently with the loss, with the missing. me, I go up the walls, I have a dark reasoning telling me not to hope, not to wish, to give up and just crawl back into my hole and die. him, he.. I don't know what he's doing.

I only get a reaction when I taunt him, when I push his buttons. kinda trial and error. so some buttons come as a surprise, I wasn't aware of them. interesting to know that telling him I'm what I'm wearing gets him annoyed coz he can't see it.
what the world needs now...

.... is patience. truckloads. and good nerves, possibly of the steel variety. and caffeine a go go. and more patience. and a phone call. or the doorbell to ring.

fuck...