teach an old dog new tricks

I've learned a little lesson from life the other week. nah, it wasn't one of those POOF - DONE moments. not at all. to climb up a mountain, you have to walk through a steep valley. and damn, did I have to climb out of a dark deep ratinfested shithole.

heh.

I knew before that me myself am my own biggest nemesis. "with friends like blahblah, ya don't need enemies" ring a bell? yeah, well, I'm my worst enemy at times. I'm trying to defend the castle and I'll rather burn down the damn thing myself than letting the drawbridge down from time to time to let air in. instead of getting a fairytale pied piper to lead the rats away, I do a jackson pollock with poison all over the place. kill the rats and damage the foundation, too.

hell might be other people, but I'm the one who fires up the sauna. having brains is all fine and dandy as long as ya don't use it to hurt yourself. I don't need others to kick me in the face anymore, I do that all by myself.

let's say DID. for this time, I managed to tell myself stop. big words to tell how patient I can be. I'm not. patience isn't an in-built feature of mine. sure, I was so damn angry for weeks. hurt and confused. but then, there always comes the moment when I get back up, brush my knees off, and tell myself to put the tissues away, crying-time is over. and then the big calm comes over me. the kind where the building could be on fire and all I'd think about would be how handy there's salmon steaks in the freezer for this cozy barbecue. the moment when I can laugh about it all, shrug my worries off for a moment, and be myself, content in the knowledge that I've done it again, I've gotten back up and persevered.

and I'm not alone. I thought I was, but I'm not. knowing there's someone out there on this forsaken garbageheap of a planet who actually gives a toss about me: bliss. might not be here with me this very moment, but somehow it still feels as if we're attached at the hip by a mobile phone. does anyone remember who invented those toys? I salute you.

when ya don't need hope anymore, that's the moment when ya start to feel calm, relaxed. the outcome of it all isn't important right now. irrelevant. so now I'm not giving a shit about what was but only what IS or can be. leaning back, enjoying the ride. not waiting anymore for a cue from the prompter box. heck, I do what I want. always did. maybe it doesn't look very pretty most of the time, but at least, this way I don't have to pretend to remember the words. I play my own thang. make it up as I go. so I don't get the words back I anticipated? should I care? it doesn't matter. what matters is what I feel, what I think. looks like for the time being, that's accepted. looks like I'm not being pushed away. looks like all those years have granted me the right to be myself. faults and all. that's an experience I hadn't expected.

damn, this feels good.