nervous
I'm nervous and anxious like hell. this is the first in a looooong time I wanted something for myself, that bad. a thumbs up, an "oi, I noticed you", affirmation. showing me I have priority, that I've value. patience isn't one of my best features. most of the time, I can't handle suspense at all. I'm sitting on my hands, trying not to ruin everything. sitting, thinking.... off ranting again. I've only said this a coupla dozen times already.
when did life become so difficult?
it's incredibly difficult for me to find someone I like enough... incredibly difficult to find someone who doesn't bore me shitless after a short amount of time, say a few hours or a few days at the most... incredibly difficult to find someone who's on a similar level as me, emotionally, intellectually, education-wise (both booksmarts and streetsmarts). I've found that one person once, a long time ago. it's why I can't let go of this one.
10 out of 10 guys I went out with the last few years were complete assholes...
it's incredibly difficult to be actually noticed... to be seen... not the package someone comes in... but what's inside.
I wonder if that's the same for everyone else.
I'm turning into someone I didn't wanna be... I'm turning into someone who's been kicked so many times, I've started to loose faith in myself and the world, I've started to become insecure about myself.
what always stayed the same was the part of me kinda sitting on the side-line and watching others being picked into teams, but not me, never me.
and that's nothing to do with looks... it was the same when I was still very fit.
the problem with looks... it's like running in circles
I know it doesn't make things easier not fitting into the average drawer... but the moment I do, ppl want me for a good time, for a few hours, but they won't consider me being a gf or wife material... it's a rat race I cannot win. it's easier to live with the fact that someone doesn't like my looks... rather than someone can't stand my personality
... and what would I want with a person who would take me on, but not with the way I look? why would I want someone that shallow? I'm running in circles. I can't solve that riddle.
I'm waiting for my notice. it's all I have left over for the time being. this is damn difficult. I should go and search to find some strength. I'll need it, any way what might or might not happen. I've broken in two before. the pieces I put back together were different than the ones I started out with. am I turning into something picasso tossed on canvas?
being weak is crap. I can't control this.
the one friend that might understand is unfortunately the one I want for myself.
when did life become so difficult?
it's incredibly difficult for me to find someone I like enough... incredibly difficult to find someone who doesn't bore me shitless after a short amount of time, say a few hours or a few days at the most... incredibly difficult to find someone who's on a similar level as me, emotionally, intellectually, education-wise (both booksmarts and streetsmarts). I've found that one person once, a long time ago. it's why I can't let go of this one.
10 out of 10 guys I went out with the last few years were complete assholes...
it's incredibly difficult to be actually noticed... to be seen... not the package someone comes in... but what's inside.
I wonder if that's the same for everyone else.
I'm turning into someone I didn't wanna be... I'm turning into someone who's been kicked so many times, I've started to loose faith in myself and the world, I've started to become insecure about myself.
what always stayed the same was the part of me kinda sitting on the side-line and watching others being picked into teams, but not me, never me.
and that's nothing to do with looks... it was the same when I was still very fit.
the problem with looks... it's like running in circles
I know it doesn't make things easier not fitting into the average drawer... but the moment I do, ppl want me for a good time, for a few hours, but they won't consider me being a gf or wife material... it's a rat race I cannot win. it's easier to live with the fact that someone doesn't like my looks... rather than someone can't stand my personality
... and what would I want with a person who would take me on, but not with the way I look? why would I want someone that shallow? I'm running in circles. I can't solve that riddle.
I'm waiting for my notice. it's all I have left over for the time being. this is damn difficult. I should go and search to find some strength. I'll need it, any way what might or might not happen. I've broken in two before. the pieces I put back together were different than the ones I started out with. am I turning into something picasso tossed on canvas?
being weak is crap. I can't control this.
the one friend that might understand is unfortunately the one I want for myself.
posted by daria l'orange at 12:33 am
2 Comments:
I understand. That is of no use to you, but I do understand.
The strength you feel you should seek is already there. It's just that with the pieces of you rearranged it's harder to find.
But you will. The longer you look at the new, rearranged you and the more you grow to like it, the more obvious it will be.
I don't feel that strength right now. I tried...
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