bring it on!

I put up a fight. I'm at the point where my anger shows me the way. there's no way I'll give in, there's no way I let this pass without having my say in it. it's worth it! it's worth to put some effort in! I'm a fighter, I haven't gone to be who I turned into for nothing!

and I won't listen to my mum's "you're deluding yourself". how dare she give me a feeling of worthlessness? she has no clue! how dare she. who does she think she is? I'd need some affirmation, not that shite. I don't care what her reasons are. I don't care! she can go and stick her bullshit up where the sun don't shine.

bring it on!

nervous

I'm nervous and anxious like hell. this is the first in a looooong time I wanted something for myself, that bad. a thumbs up, an "oi, I noticed you", affirmation. showing me I have priority, that I've value. patience isn't one of my best features. most of the time, I can't handle suspense at all. I'm sitting on my hands, trying not to ruin everything. sitting, thinking.... off ranting again. I've only said this a coupla dozen times already.

when did life become so difficult?

it's incredibly difficult for me to find someone I like enough... incredibly difficult to find someone who doesn't bore me shitless after a short amount of time, say a few hours or a few days at the most... incredibly difficult to find someone who's on a similar level as me, emotionally, intellectually, education-wise (both booksmarts and streetsmarts). I've found that one person once, a long time ago. it's why I can't let go of this one.

10 out of 10 guys I went out with the last few years were complete assholes...

it's incredibly difficult to be actually noticed... to be seen... not the package someone comes in... but what's inside.

I wonder if that's the same for everyone else.

I'm turning into someone I didn't wanna be... I'm turning into someone who's been kicked so many times, I've started to loose faith in myself and the world, I've started to become insecure about myself.

what always stayed the same was the part of me kinda sitting on the side-line and watching others being picked into teams, but not me, never me.
and that's nothing to do with looks... it was the same when I was still very fit.

the problem with looks... it's like running in circles

I know it doesn't make things easier not fitting into the average drawer... but the moment I do, ppl want me for a good time, for a few hours, but they won't consider me being a gf or wife material... it's a rat race I cannot win. it's easier to live with the fact that someone doesn't like my looks... rather than someone can't stand my personality

... and what would I want with a person who would take me on, but not with the way I look? why would I want someone that shallow? I'm running in circles. I can't solve that riddle.

I'm waiting for my notice. it's all I have left over for the time being. this is damn difficult. I should go and search to find some strength. I'll need it, any way what might or might not happen. I've broken in two before. the pieces I put back together were different than the ones I started out with. am I turning into something picasso tossed on canvas?

being weak is crap. I can't control this.

the one friend that might understand is unfortunately the one I want for myself.

hah!

someone fry me a stork. there we go. I'm not the only fool and it's mutual. thanks to every mobile phone maker on this planet.

right everyone, queue up for the champagne
hahahaha

boys boys boys

where to chat up guys

on the corner of my officebuilding is a mailbox. half an hour before I went home today, I took a huge stack of business mail there. a guy is already there, a cig between his lips, I check him out a bit, I'd say around 30, tossing his mail in. I come up and he holds the lid up for me, as I have both hands full with my envelopes.
"suuuuper", I say "let's meet here every day from now on, at same time"
he starts to laugh, has a hand free to take his cig back out of his mouth.
"hehe okay" he says
"well, merci, ciaooo" I say and go back to my building.

ah, so THAT'S where, eh? ;)


I did some foodshopping for the weekend about an hour earlier. the supermarket was packed, and curving around with the shoppingkart turned out to be quite difficult without bumping into anyone. this turkish dad and his
early-20ies-daughter and me kept on standing in the same spot. the dad and me checked out oranges (yeah, I know, don't laugh), later I helped the daughter to pick the sort of sardines she wanted (probably can't read?? I showed her she can go by colour. lemon = yellow, plain oil = blue. those who can read are in a clear advantage, huh :P), and then we stood in queue at the cashier together again, the dad and me winking and smiling at each other. kinda nice. bought some fruit, some veggies, juice, mozarella and olive-ciabatta and paid less than 13 €. now that is nice!


talked to the-man-who-shan't-be-named (TMWSBN) on the mobile in the afternoon. all of 3 minutes, before his pre-paid card ran out, I guess. or he ran
out of net-connection (yeah, fat chance in europe). why he can't find another phone and call back is beyond my understanding. he called me from the middle east a bunch of times before. I can't get it inside my head how someone can turn so cold, so businesslike all of a sudden. I can't believe I can't bring myself to just letting go. I can't believe I'm such a wuss, I can't just say "k, now listen up, buddy, I still like ya that way. can you tell me if there's the slightest chance you might actually make room for me in your life? coz, if that's the case, I'd move the heavens and the earth." well, I tried to say that as an answer to his "heeey, so what's up?", right before his line went dead. and I don't feel like keeping on trying to ring. my number would appear 3 million times when his phone comes back on. bad image. I'm not that desperate or insane.

yeah, rightttt

the other day, my friend E made me promise to take faith in "I'll meet someone, who'll be perfect for me, who'll be the best guy on this planet and he'll worship me and adore the ground I walk on". she says she has it in her urine it'll happen. oh well, then I better believe in that, eh?

on the way back home, some old cop sat vis-a-vis of me. laptop on his lap, listening to a CD over headphones. it took me a while to listen in, and then I realized: country-and-western???? I was inclined to offer him donuts. some clichés die hard, ey?

wow. I'm such a girl.

bring it on!

right. SL asked how much I weigh. numbers don't mean a lot when ya don't see what's really there. so I'll put up the freakshow for a couple of hours. check it out.

whip out the cards

so back out with my stack of cards. looking at myself, at my life.

card 1: this is who I am. above average IQ, above average income, easy-piecy job, a bunch of easy-going mates who'll stick around to keep me grounded when I have a fly-high-episode. who'll tell me the truth when needs be, who'll even tell me things I don't wanna hear at that moment, but I know deep down they won't lie, not even if that'd be easier. I look at my flat and I like what I see, I like its size and the location in one of the better quarters of my city, even if it's a dusty mess most of the time. it took me 29 years to accumulate all this clutter and most of it is of the toys-for-grownups variety. tons of clothes. most even fit hehe. the only thing I have to fight from time to time is boredom and the bank. bfd, ey.

card 2: it might come as a big surprise not, but I've aged since I was 20. *laughs* no, really, I did. my view at the world changed considerably. I sort through my rubbish on a regular basis. not day-to-day, but in regular month-to-year intervalls. do I still need certain things, certain people in my life? do I need every toy or will I just toss it out or sell it on ebay? am I still amused by my projects? I keep a lot of books for future referrence, for future learning. some things I'm just more comfortable having around than giving them away. I like to collect things that are attached to memories, the good ones and the learning-experience ones. I don't look like I did when I was 20 anymore. the few white hairs I already have growing on my forehead are amusing to me now, I don't feel a need to dye my hair anymore. I've earned the right to wear them. I've started to work on my weight a coupla months ago. it's going slow, it's annoying as hell, but I'm already thinking on what I'm doing with the money I'm not spending on food anymore, but on the clothes and possible travels I can buy from it. I see the first wrinkles appear under my eyes, around my mouth and they remind me of a sentence I once read, which went a bit like be grateful for every wrinkle, they mean you've laughed a lot in your life.

card 3: my character. oh, I have fought depression and some manic episodes over the years. hard work on that has brought me to a point where I can live with myself, where I know that I'm not a bad person at all, knowing I'm not just some dirt under anyone's soles, knowing deep down I'll be alright. that there's a reason for all of what's happening I just can't see yet, but I will, in time. I know there'll be days when I'll feel down and unappreciated, feel overlooked, not noticed for who or what I am. but realizing everyone goes through that at one time or another. maybe even being glad I'm not one of them hawt gals out there who get annoyed by every bum that walks past them. been there, done that, the t-shirt no longer fits me. being somewhat grateful about the fact I had to actually work on achieving something like a character.

card 4: what I can do. I speak 2 languages fluently, anther 2 semi-flutently, can read another 3 and answer back, even though it'll be in pidgin. I'm a crack with software and I'm getting better with solving hardware riddles, too. when I set my mind at stuff I can't yet do, I just need to find my own angle and then it'll turn into a shake-of-the-wrist to make it my own. I analyze stuff at a glimpse and am usually right with my conclusion, even if I don't want to see things that concern my own persona. I'm a great cook and I have an elephant's memory when it comes to things I ever heard or saw. you hit me in the face, I'll come right back up and atcha again. I fall down, I get back up. there's nothing you can do to really get me down. sure, I'll be hurt, sure my ego'll get a scratch. but guess what, I come back and you're worn off a long time before I consider this war to be lost. I might loose the battle, but not the war. no such thing as giving up.

card 5: what I want. I want my bank to stop having any reason to harrass me. it's getting better with every month that passes. I'm getting more stable and I want to be better off in the upcoming years. before I ruin myself financially forever with the kid(s) I also want at one stage in the future. and while I'd like to share all that with someone good, I'm willing to take the load on my own shoulders, if push came to shove. I'm so used to being single and alone, I've learned to handle it. I'm so used to paying my own way around, I get kinda freaked out when someone offers to pay for my tab. it even got to the point where I forbid my parents to give me bigger presents than 50-euros. don't get me wrong - I'd somehow fancy the idea of someone in my life. the poor sod would have to stand up for a lot though: an IQ at least similar (if not higher) as mine, a steady-ish income with a job that one actually needs to have half a brain for. on top of the good head, a good heart, something close to a character would be highly appreciated. then toss in the ability to perform.. umm... arithmetics (ahahah) no, hang on, the old in-and-out and who's-yer-fathers on a regular basis, with me exclusively. should be able to pay his way around, should be older than 25 and young enough I don't have to wipe any butts that ain't offspring. should realize I'm really a good woman, that just happens to come in an unusual package and wrapping. I don't give a fuck what ya look like, let's be honest - after the age of 50, we all loose to the law of gravity. also, a willingness to actually go into combat, a will to commit is a definate must. sorry, I can't be your mum. I'm willing to pamper ya any way I can, for exchange of a shoulder to lean on ever so often.

so, those are the cards I just pulled out of the stack. not bad. not too bad at all. surprisingly enough, I don't feel bad about the interlude I had the other week. it's not my problem, it's his. can't be, don't want to be someone I'm not. I'm me. get the hell over it, already! ;)

variations on a theme

so he stayed with me for about a week. it took me a few days to process all the information and show the pain the door - from the outside. hurt and me still stick around, playing cards, having a smoke.

let me just put it this way. goldeneye and me both aged, have both let ourselves go a bit, but I'm the one to be judged for it. we still get along well, have lots to talk about, to laugh about. I still like him that way, it just doesn't seem to be mutual anymore. he talks a lot about "we have to..." this and that. while I sat and thought to myself oh honey - there isn't a we or us anymore. there's you and there's me, but the we has gone. could also be a translation problem. nevermind.

he sees me as one of his 3 closest friends, one of his oldest friends, too (well, 10 years down the road don't go without any trace) and I still think about how to get into his pants. which proved to be impossible a task when someone doesn't realize I'm a woman. I thought the tits were a dead give-away? apparently not.

there was just one kinda ugly scene when we were both pretty blitzed and were walking from one club to another and he gave me that "you know, you're such a great woman, if you lost some weight you could have any guy you wanted" (he didn't mean himself, obviously) speech. no, really??? I said I wasn't aware of that!! he didn't get the hint. "and I think you'd like to be married and it'd be good for ya, too, and I'd really like to change your last name on my phone lists. though, then I'd probably see less of you then"
while I was thinking to myself less than the past 8 years when I didn't see hide nor hair of you? how less than that could you possibly see me, dickhead? I had an urge to punch him in the face, it took all my strength not to.

so off to that club we went, drank some more, I danced it out of my system. funny enough, I got hit on by two guys high out of their skull, one of them going rrrroaarrrr on me, yelling at me that I'm the only woman on the planet, the only one!! I couldn't stop laughing. goldeneye's jaw dropped.

when he left a few days later, I kinda overslept and hence he had to leave alone. good thing I can barely speak when I just fall out of bed, so I didn't have to give a bad impression by staging a scene. heh

gave him a kiss, sent him on his merry way. went back to bed. was too shellshocked to even cry. that came much later.

I'm very impressed about the way my family and some of my friends have stood right behind me, taking care of me, taking me out for dinner or retail therapy, making time for me.

I'm not worse off than I was 2 weeks ago, all things considered. my life is still the same. I'm still the same. it's not the end of the world, and I've been through worse. I must admit I had a helluva time with him and I can be friends with him still.

what do I learn from all of this? one thing only: next time, I won't fix the guest room, indeed I'll change the outlay of the whole room and there won't be a place to sleep on apart in my bed ;)

men... pffttttt

where I stand

and this is where the story ends
and I feel like a fool
been left to hang for many years
I'm driven round the bend

I wanna be back when it all started
and not go down that road
cut down that tree, cut down that heart
no stumbling over broken parts

I wish it'd ended differently
or not ended at all
I wish I hadn't been dumb enough
to think I couldn't fall