where am I?
... not really out on a limb, I am.
things are happening, good things and bad. my bank account looks like nero's after he had to pay the insurance bill for lighting rome. I'll fix that tomorrow. I'm angry and this time, it's not even my own fault.
I'm also just hanging in there, lifewise. I got the note I had waited for, and all seems okay. a few more weeks and I'm taking a little vacation... a long-deserved little holiday, hanging around with someone golden, talking nonsense, having a few laughs. seeing how much has changed, seeing how much is still the same.
this is a practise in patience. and fuck knows, patience isn't a feature I've embraced just yet.
on the other hand... on an airport, about 8 years ago, he said he'd be back.
am I hopeless... or just very patient? I asked my buddy S.
both he answered.
it has moments, though it's not all fine and dandy. I was such a girl today, playing the situation through in my head. weighing words and lines. finding the exit doors in possible scenarios. finding ways to shrug possible traps off, covering my bases. taking out the chessboard in my mind and letting the pawns do a little ballet.
a long time ago, I had promised to myself, I would never be hurt like back then, ever again. I would never again let others decide what was right or wrong for me. I barely found the means to climb back up out of that ditch and get on my feet again. I don't know if I could still find that strength. I don't know if I could watch someone leave like that again. watch others get married and have a bunch of kids and a mortgage.
it's not like I don't want others to be happy, I do. I just want a little bit of that for myself, too. I'm 29 and there's so many things, so many damn little nice things I've never done or had in my life. bull like shopping together. gone on a holiday or even to a match with a partner. had sex in my own flat, for cryin' out loud! with someone apart myself, that is. heh.
I have the notion I'm missing out.
I should be in risk-management.
things are happening, good things and bad. my bank account looks like nero's after he had to pay the insurance bill for lighting rome. I'll fix that tomorrow. I'm angry and this time, it's not even my own fault.
I'm also just hanging in there, lifewise. I got the note I had waited for, and all seems okay. a few more weeks and I'm taking a little vacation... a long-deserved little holiday, hanging around with someone golden, talking nonsense, having a few laughs. seeing how much has changed, seeing how much is still the same.
this is a practise in patience. and fuck knows, patience isn't a feature I've embraced just yet.
on the other hand... on an airport, about 8 years ago, he said he'd be back.
am I hopeless... or just very patient? I asked my buddy S.
both he answered.
it has moments, though it's not all fine and dandy. I was such a girl today, playing the situation through in my head. weighing words and lines. finding the exit doors in possible scenarios. finding ways to shrug possible traps off, covering my bases. taking out the chessboard in my mind and letting the pawns do a little ballet.
a long time ago, I had promised to myself, I would never be hurt like back then, ever again. I would never again let others decide what was right or wrong for me. I barely found the means to climb back up out of that ditch and get on my feet again. I don't know if I could still find that strength. I don't know if I could watch someone leave like that again. watch others get married and have a bunch of kids and a mortgage.
it's not like I don't want others to be happy, I do. I just want a little bit of that for myself, too. I'm 29 and there's so many things, so many damn little nice things I've never done or had in my life. bull like shopping together. gone on a holiday or even to a match with a partner. had sex in my own flat, for cryin' out loud! with someone apart myself, that is. heh.
I have the notion I'm missing out.
I should be in risk-management.
posted by daria l'orange at 10:48 pm
5 Comments:
I'd like to warn you. But I'd be a hypocrite.
Chase it, if it is what you want. Chase it hard. Chase it until you can no longer chase.
But recognise that moment. Should it occur.
take that holiday and we'll talk after that again. you'll know more by then. i mean, if you can or can't. want or don't want to chase.
the line about nero made me fall off my chair laughing. you are the sweetest. xx
SL - yes I know. open eyes and then I let the dogs loose ;)
chloe - taking it one step at a time. can't do much else for now anyways. no, you are! ;) xxx
Which match do you fancy, then?
maddog - match? usually, it's me against the world. what I'd fancy? to get a break. to be treated well and to be liked and loved and wanted and needed. by someone who's a true match to myself. that's a such rare intersection, I suspect it's nigh impossible to find. I want to find it. I want to be found.
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