another day, another lesson

what I've learned in the past 24 hours:

went to my dad's birthday party. I know now I want my next birthday party at mc d's. I figured I always wanted a kiddie b-day party there, coz it's so corny. complete with paper crowns. this thought came to my mind when I had drunk a few beers and at first, my mum's friends looked at me funny. after a beat, they suddenly broke out in cheers and said what a brilliant idea and they already look forward to their happy meals.

when I got home, I realized I am losing my bet. oh well.. what'll I do with those 10 euros? I dunno yet. what'll I do to the house? bombing it would actually help. anyways, he'll be on his way in a few hours.

on a lighter note (ahahahaha):
the tidying and housekeeping is much more difficult when one smoked pot with one's little brother. damn. I should've thought about that before...

I need the number of a good housekeeper. sod that, who am I kidding. any housekeeper.

lesson

today, I've learned an interesting lesson from life. the past 2 days, I've been chatting this fella from my city. I had given him my phone number and last night he called to invite me for a date. his voice on the phone was nice enough, so I thought why not, let's see what turns out there.

today, he was smart enough to ask for another pic, which apparently he didn't like so much. whoops. I don't have any full-body-shots on my work pc (why should I?), but I described myself as "short and overfed". turns out I'm about 15 kilos heavier than he is. alriiiiighttttt.

he goes all silent for quite a few minutes. I ask if that means I can make other plans for tonight. he says, he'll have to think about it. I said no worries, not everyone has to fancy me. that's right, he says.

tell you what: I'm not even annoyed by this. it's a mild rejection, but hey - I'd actually have to be interested in his opinion to care about that. and I don't give a shit. I don't even know the guy. and vice versa.

I shouldn't allow strangers to contact me on skype.

a bet

right-o, I'm betting 10 € he won't show up next week. I can feel it.

I don't know when my trust in the world vanished. it didn't happen overnight, one fine day. little by little it decreased and then it was gone. that doesn't mean I'm a pessimist... I'm being honest to myself. someone has to. it better be me.

I'm not a toy, dammit!

halfwits

every morning, I get on a train which takes me from my city to another where I work. every morning is a bit of a psycho-drama, coz I cannever know if I get a good seat or not. good seat would be: noone else sitting on either side of me. noone
- eating some smelly food that'll make my empty stomach heave
- talking to their halfwit mates and screaming and hooting
- snoring loudly
- smelling like they slept in a ditch the last 2 weeks

this morning, I had the pleasure of having to listen to 3 teenager girls discussing how many of their grandparents were in hospital and for which reasons... and if I don't want to hear about one thing, the hernia of some stranger's uncle is high ranking on the list.

before even getting that seat, I had to walk in snail tempo behind some bimbo chick who "sashayed" in slow motion (she probably thought that'd look more graceful... hon, you should've left the cowboy boots at home, that would've helped some). she had a small head and a small tiny body, I'd guess her around 40 kilos (including the boots) and I felt so sorry for her uncoolness, I refrained myself from stage-whispering jalla, jalla! or outta my way, schicksa.

at work, I've been trying to keep my cool when having a little talk with a client's bookkeeper. about the same case that occurred about half a year ago. for the past 6 months, they've decided to play dumb (or maybe they are) and have annoyed me with the same bullshit I've been trying to explain to them since september. I can't be patient with them anymore or I'll blow a fuse, so today I told the bookkeeper, she should tell me in simple words, she should try to explain to me, coz I can't understand what the problem seems to be. it appears they WANT to be ignorant assholes. okay, be that way. I'm trying to find a fool-proof solution. and then I'll write a book which I'll call "distribution for dummies". assholes.

yeah, I suppose I'm a person who's cranky in the mornings. but all I'masking for is a bit of quiet and idiot-free space.

is that too much?

what are you worth?

the box with my anger inside is open. ready or not, here're some more thoughts:

I hear a lot of things about how a person is supposed to look. or what looks good and hence IS considered good. I hear a lot of shite about worth.

so, what defines quality in a person? the way someone looks? or the amount someone earns? someone's age? gender? religion? the country someone comes from? the kind of job someone has? if he/she treats their fellow humans alrighty? if someone is nice to kids, old people and animals? school education? if someone has seen lots of the world? none of it?

I keep hearing "if you lost some weight, you could really choose, you could date just about anyone".

yeah, but look. if I earned a million euros every year, I could probably buy my own aircraft and wouldn't have to fly commercial all the bloody time.

and if I got elected to be the new secretary of the unicef, I'd try to actually feed every child on this forsaken planet. or give them clean water. or a fucken' stuffed teletubby muppet.


so what defines worth? am I a less worthy person because I don't look like... dunno... heidi klum? now, of course I shouldn't generalize. I can only tell about observations I made with people I met. none of them looked like brad pitt. not even brad pitt looks like brad pitt when he's not wearing makeup. (g'day, google)

how come people with faces only a mother could love have the guts to tell me they think I'm not dateable because my ass is too big in their opinion? (yeah, I know, I'm a fucken' hypocrite)

as if I'd want someone like that.

yeah, I know. this is whining about things I could change. give me a few years and I'll eventually loose that additional weight. I haven't always been like this. only a few years ago, I had the body to be just as shallow as your average 20-year-old.

the difference? I did not judge others without actually knowing them. I didn't point a finger at them and told them to their face I think yer crap and seeing your legs makes me wanna hurl.

yeah, I know I can't assume other people think any way similar about stuff the way I do. I know everyone has a right to their own opinion.

hope dies last. pandora's box is open.

on acceptance

there's things that just are. the earth is kinda round, the sun is above us and the earth under our feet. when you stand on your head, it's the other way around. the sun comes up over the east and goes down towards the west.

there's things you cannot change. you can't stop the earth from spinning, you can't change the tides, and sometimes you can't stop feeling a certain way towards a person. and even though you know it's not going anywhere, and certainly not the way you'd like it to go, you still can't stop feeling that way. you don't like that part, about not being able to stop, but then ya just accept it. you accept there's this person that makes you feel this way. you accept the hurt that comes from all of this. you accept coz you know there's no alternative.

you know you won't die of it, you know you'll keep getting up every morning, showering, getting dressed and going to work. you'll inhale and exhale and you play pretend to the rest of the world.

you know you cannot please everyone. you know there'll always bepeople who'll think you unfit, unbecoming, bluehelmets, unwhatever. you're not intelligent enough to join mensa, and you're too clever to hang around with the local yokels. you're too big to be average and you're too short to be tall. you don't belong to any club, you don't belong with a group of people anymore. the only people you sometimes hang around with are different than you are, but they kinda accept you for whom you are and vice versa. it just can't be helped, can't be changed, sometimes things are what they are.

you accept that what you want you cannot have. you accept that sometimes it's not meant to be - or in your own case - never ever at all, not if hell freezes over (and the one in norway does exactly that every winter), not with the sheep coming home. you accept you're the odd one out, you accept you can't change yourself to the point where noone will notice. you've tried that once and that was so depressing, not being able to be yourself, you quit trying after a few years.

you accept. you let it all wash over you, pass through you, you keep where you are, inhaling, exhaling, you sleep every once in a while and time is slowly ticking away. you accept. you don't have to like it, but you accept. you don't have to have the same opinion, but you accept that of others. you don't have to feel the same way, you accept others' feeling. you're brutalizing yourself, you accept the reasons why you do that.

you accept and you'll survive.

cliffhanger

ever seen people freestyle climbing? they hang off incredibly big cliffs by their toenails and fingertips and beneath them is 300 metres of nothing. that's me, today. I'm trying hard to keep on that cliff, to find any hold, getting a grip, wishing I was fucken' peter parker.

it's difficult today. nothing bad has happened, mind. nothing too good either. just one of those days when life just passes second by aweful stretching second. time's not really ticking away, it's squeezing drip by slow drip. japanese water torture, that's time today. like stepping on a still-sticky chewing gum and slowly lifting the foot and it draws a thin thread of gum.

there, 4 lovely images, I'm on a roll. not.

it's days like this when I desperately feel the need to hold onto a life raft of some sort. where I need a little kick, a little thrill to keeps me afloat. I've noticed this is occuring often. not being able to let go of things, but rather accumulating as many anchors as possible. feeling a need to holding onto any little memory or feeling or scrap to see I'm still here, still alive, still hanging in there.

latching onto something, anything. I've had to let go of so many things, people, ideas, wishes over the years... at some stage I know I just have to. it's never easy, with every little piece I sense a part of me gets lost as well.

and while I know sometimes it would be better not to burden myself with certain things, I also fear that I'll vanish if I let too much go. I'm starting to understand why my childhood best friend's mother kept wearing black even years after my friend had died. how she couldn't let go of her loss.

somewhere deep inside I know it's madness. I must be insane to try to keep running after a happiness that left so many years ago. why can't I let go? because there's a tiny voice in my head that keeps telling me I must, there's still a chance to really ruin myself. it tells me if I let go, the last part of my childhood will vanish and it was the part I really valued.

I just don't know anymore. it's starting to appear as if we're playing make-believe with each other, pretending the last 10 years didn't happen. sending little notes in a kind of code, a relatedness I should no longer feel. trying to come up with little stories and jokes for each other, as if the door would just open any minute and we'd sit down for dinner, as if it's the most normal thing on the planet, as if we've been doing this for a decade, which we have not.

have I not noticed something here? what's going on here? how did it get like this? am I misunderstanding the situation? am I putting myself in question too much? I'm overanalyzing every little item as if I'd fall into a deep hole the moment my fingertips and toenails break away from the cliff.

and I'm so affraid of heights.

bugs bunny

something is odd. I think something has changed. I just went to the kitchen and mechanically pealed some carrots. ate those. to quench a little munchy crunchy feeling. no, I'm not high (I bloody wish). a few months ago, fuck, a few weeks ago, I would've gobbled down a few cookies and some chocolate to go with them. don't get me wrong - I did have one tiny piece of choccie earlier tonight. one. not 5 or 12. one.

changes are good. changes are our friend.

where am I?

... not really out on a limb, I am.

things are happening, good things and bad. my bank account looks like nero's after he had to pay the insurance bill for lighting rome. I'll fix that tomorrow. I'm angry and this time, it's not even my own fault.

I'm also just hanging in there, lifewise. I got the note I had waited for, and all seems okay. a few more weeks and I'm taking a little vacation... a long-deserved little holiday, hanging around with someone golden, talking nonsense, having a few laughs. seeing how much has changed, seeing how much is still the same.

this is a practise in patience. and fuck knows, patience isn't a feature I've embraced just yet.

on the other hand... on an airport, about 8 years ago, he said he'd be back.
am I hopeless... or just very patient? I asked my buddy S.
both he answered.

it has moments, though it's not all fine and dandy. I was such a girl today, playing the situation through in my head. weighing words and lines. finding the exit doors in possible scenarios. finding ways to shrug possible traps off, covering my bases. taking out the chessboard in my mind and letting the pawns do a little ballet.

a long time ago, I had promised to myself, I would never be hurt like back then, ever again. I would never again let others decide what was right or wrong for me. I barely found the means to climb back up out of that ditch and get on my feet again. I don't know if I could still find that strength. I don't know if I could watch someone leave like that again. watch others get married and have a bunch of kids and a mortgage.

it's not like I don't want others to be happy, I do. I just want a little bit of that for myself, too. I'm 29 and there's so many things, so many damn little nice things I've never done or had in my life. bull like shopping together. gone on a holiday or even to a match with a partner. had sex in my own flat, for cryin' out loud! with someone apart myself, that is. heh.

I have the notion I'm missing out.

I should be in risk-management.