great expectations...

I talked a few things over with my little brother. sometimes, when the muse kisses him, he can be an exceptionally good listener. to me, that's someone who knows when to comment, when to give his 5 cents of opinion and tells it in words the ranter can understand and work with it. who'll ask the right questions, brings ya further.

no, this isn't turning into a hommage. I don't know yet where this is leading me, but I'll put more cards onto the table and have another look.

I'm a control freak, see. and sometimes I have bigger problems with that. other times I can deal with it better. right now, I'm insecure about things that might or might not possibly happen in the months to come. meeting old friends again. last year, I met 2 former buddies again I hadn't seen in about 6 years. either they had changed or I did. probably I changed more. I didn't like them anymore. I asked myself what I had ever seen in them.

I'm scared this could happen with E and goldeneyes. yeah, I haven't really seen either in years, but they still inhabit good parts of my heart. I still think of them regularly. it would hurt more losing that. even that little. even if there's that little contact, it's still precious to me. I guess I'm holding onto them because I don't want to loose that part of my life just yet.

brother says I shouldn't put any expectations into meeting them. I should just be happy to see them, take the time to see them, enjoy it.

is it a matter of take what you can get and don't think too much of results or consequences, don't expect too much and ya won't get bitten by the green-eyed monster.

is it really that easy? can I take that? am I just deceiving myself? is it the end of my wishes, whatever they are?

goldeneye said I should do a coupla things I've never done before. is that it? for once letting go of my expectations and scaring myself?

I can live with people hating my guts. I can live with people liking me lots. what I can't live with is being so unimportant I don't trigger any emotion.