coping

so the past week brought me a bit of a suspense thriller. the story hasn't finished yet, but my feeling of anticipation has. maybe there's a positive side to be found with all this mess. for example, it came back to me - the reason why some years ago I told him to feck off, I couldn't be his gf anymore, not if I couldn't have anything apart from trying to grab a few minutes on the phone everyonce in a while. how I wouldn't allow to be taken a POW anymore.

if anyone else told me a story like mine, I'd say och, c'monnnnn you must be joking! how come you let him to treat you like that? I guess in a way he probably appears to be an egoistic twat, letting me starve on his extended arm. you might be right. I don't think he notices that or does it on purpose. it's just how he is and I knew that pretty much from the start.

I've had almost a decade to learn how to cope with the situation. yeah, sure, the insomnia and me are THAT close tight buddies again. yeah sure, I haven't really eaten anything this week. bfd. hang on,that's actually a positive thing for me. hehe.

I was really sad for about 30 hours. I felt let-down, deprived of the carrot that had been wagged around my face for a moment, before I had the chance to grab it. and then I got back up, dusted my knees off and put the stone-face back on. of course, I could've sent him an angry e-mail or yell at his answerphone. but that wouldn't've solved anything. it would've belittled me. stone magnolias and all that good stuff.

yeah, I'm distraught. but get a few of those lections in life, and you start to get back onto your feet in no time after a while. every time something like that happens. and if my back breaks, I won't let it eat me up. and if it hurts, I'll just allow the pain, and try to lock it away with the others. here, pains, here's a new mate for you to play with.

accept there be days like that. accept that he has no manners. accept I can't get over it as long as there's no new story which grants me either a happy end or a newer, bigger pain.

abandon all hope... I've learned to cope.

this could be good?

hold your fingers crossed for me. something good might pop up for me tomorrow (wednesday). I'm already pretty excited and also a little scared. this could be so good, such fun. it'd be shit if it was taken away from right in front of my nose when it was so close to grab.

patience might not be a big issue this time. it seems like it's only a few more days away!!

now, I need someone to come and clean and tidy my house. or someone golden might die of a dust allergy hehehehe

here comes the sun...

... little darling
here comes the sun
and I'll say
it's aaaall riiiight

a day that starts with getting off the train and have to put on sunglasses can't get bad. and it didn't. whoever had the finger on the sun-button should keep that finger on said button.

I know I'm feeling alright today. I just saw that like-no-other sony commercial on the telly and I didn't cry for once. heh.

one hot plate of weekend coming right up!

just forget it

I was a tiny child. when I was 4, I was so skinny, my mother and pediatrician feared there was something wrong. when I was 6, I was the smallest in my primary school class. when I was in 5th grade, I still hadn't grown a whole lot.

and then I turned into a teenager. I had an addiction to mars and twix and we all know what happens next. no teenage boy likes a fat chick with a big mouth and a brain too fast for them to cope. by the time I was 17, I had "resolved" the weight problem, I quit eating food alltogether and chucked a lot of drugs and alcohol instead. I was popular then. I could snap my fingers and take home every person not on the tree by the count of 3. what I couldn't get was... a steady guy at my side, still sat at the sideline, kinda-sorta, couldn't understand what the problem seemed to be. I was fit. I was fun. I wasn't what anyone wanted to keep around.

when I was 21, I ripped the ligaments in my right knee, had to get an operation and couldn't walk properly for months. I substituted the hard drugs for legal ones, started seeing a shrink regularly to talk all the shit off my chest. I put on 30 kilos since then. I lost 10, I put 15 on. I haven't been able to get rid of them again. I worked on my problems, I changed. my personality changed. I became someone I could like better. I gained in character and depth in the same speed as weight. you can be the nicest person on this planet, but if your butt is too big, you'll also be the lonliest.

as any true narciss I think I'm not too bad. I can't understand why not everyone sees me as I see myself. a good person.

not important? 3 of my so-called buddies forgot my birthday a couple of weeks ago. my older brother forgot it. the guy who supposedly tries to be my... significat-other? wtf? forgot it. goldeneye has never remembered it so far. I start to understand a few things. I'm there for others. while they give a shit about me.

I need new friends. I need to get a life. I need to get rid of the assholes and bastards in my life and find someone who cares.

great expectations...

I talked a few things over with my little brother. sometimes, when the muse kisses him, he can be an exceptionally good listener. to me, that's someone who knows when to comment, when to give his 5 cents of opinion and tells it in words the ranter can understand and work with it. who'll ask the right questions, brings ya further.

no, this isn't turning into a hommage. I don't know yet where this is leading me, but I'll put more cards onto the table and have another look.

I'm a control freak, see. and sometimes I have bigger problems with that. other times I can deal with it better. right now, I'm insecure about things that might or might not possibly happen in the months to come. meeting old friends again. last year, I met 2 former buddies again I hadn't seen in about 6 years. either they had changed or I did. probably I changed more. I didn't like them anymore. I asked myself what I had ever seen in them.

I'm scared this could happen with E and goldeneyes. yeah, I haven't really seen either in years, but they still inhabit good parts of my heart. I still think of them regularly. it would hurt more losing that. even that little. even if there's that little contact, it's still precious to me. I guess I'm holding onto them because I don't want to loose that part of my life just yet.

brother says I shouldn't put any expectations into meeting them. I should just be happy to see them, take the time to see them, enjoy it.

is it a matter of take what you can get and don't think too much of results or consequences, don't expect too much and ya won't get bitten by the green-eyed monster.

is it really that easy? can I take that? am I just deceiving myself? is it the end of my wishes, whatever they are?

goldeneye said I should do a coupla things I've never done before. is that it? for once letting go of my expectations and scaring myself?

I can live with people hating my guts. I can live with people liking me lots. what I can't live with is being so unimportant I don't trigger any emotion.

fondness

d'ya know that feeling - listening to an album for the first time, and it doesn't bother you from the start. it goes on repeat, still like the music. after about a dozen repeats, ya start growing fond of it all. don't want to listen to anything else, still finding new aspects and angles on those tracks. start feeling the urge to tell people about it, look at this gem I found

it's happened with jack johnson's on and on and it's happening right now with paul weller's as is now. I just can't see any attraction in other music for some time. it's a bit like being in love with someone new...

it's been that way for me with people, too. with things/situations as well. the fondness doesn't really go away. it stays on. sometimes it turns into such closeness I can't see a reason to take it out of my life. sometimes that'll happen on its own. sometimes the feeling's just gone. and there's no repeat-button to bring it back. it bothers me a little....


I know there's a void that I should fill up with something, someone, I don't know.... and I don't see yet what it is. it's forming inside my head like a storm, slowly, slowly, but yet it has to turn into a shape.