analyze this

the past few weeks weren't about crimbo or the new year's, at least not for me. was sick for a while, hosted a xmas dinner party and realized I'm not new year's eve-compatible anymore. saw the fireworks in switzerland, which was nice, but also exhausting.

life got its foot in the door as I wasn't paying attention and now it's rioting in the living room:

I'm arranging and rearranging my thoughts. things have happened in the past few weeks that I have to digest somehow. nothing bad, not at all. it's new information that needs to be filed away properly.

what do I want with my life, where do I want it to go? where do I want to go? and why? is it enough to say coz it's nice right now what's with in a few months or next year or in 5 years?

early last year I decided not to quit my job and go back to school because I had worked so long and so hard to get to the level I'm at now. I had to renounce quite a few things to live my life like this. I remember in the beginning, living on my own, some months not knowing how to buy food because I had to pay off my first kitchen and the insurance bills and electricity, too. learning the hard way how to handle things with my single income. growing up and caring for myself. it had taken long enough as it was to get to that point.

do I really want to give it all up now? for the slight chance I'll wake up next to someone in the mornings? do I really want to sell all my crap and move halfway around the planet? really really?what if it doesn't work out the way any of us imagines it?

I'd be seriously screwed, that's what. is it being careful or insecure that makes me ask myself all these questions and some more that result from the basic ones?

Do I really want to load all these problems onto my back? my own situation was never really easy, but I'm starting to realize there's people out there who've had it really bad. my shit is almost laughable in comparison. do I really want to load their shit on top of my own? am I shying from the hurdle? is that called running away from other problems?

I haven't felt depressed in a few months now. now I feel empty. there's a void that could be filled. doesn't need to be, just could be. here, I can live relatively comfortable and I'm used to the way things are being organized. it isn't as easy elsewhere. not at all easy. do I really want complicated? for what gain? for what price?

I don't know whom to ask for advice. I don't know with whom to talk to all of this about. I'd feel too much a fool. it's nothing for the shrink either, she's one for the real problems.

my closest friend H here would say GO at whatever, as long as it hasn't anything to do with goldeneye.