we should wait 'till the squirrels've stopped melting

marge simpson rules.

I'm sick again. other people always know where their mobile phone is... I now keep my inhalator as close as I used to keep the mobile. spent an afternoon this past weekend in an ER in a downtown hospital, 'coz there's no doctors' practices open on weekends here...

anyways, this week I've got to myself at home.

what I wished for last weekend didn't come true. he didn't call.

dear planet, have fun with world peace. you've deserved it like noone else.

wish upon a star

is it okay to wish for nothing else than a call? highly unlikely that'll happen. especially if my wish is for it to happen today?

okay.... if that's not possible, then I'll wish for...

world peace

hrmpff. yes, that's much more likely.
c'mon. cross yer fingers for me and wish upon a star.

it all looks different...

... the next day. after I'd sent a salty reply to the mail I'd got from goldeneye, I thought alright, that'll be it for the next coupla weeks. alas, no. the next day, things started to look up. it was... not a novel, but lots more than anticipated.
lots. more.

might be wrong to get my hopes up, it's still time to wreck it ;)

and is it just me going nuts, but... I actually like that james blunt album...
wtf???

bad? it gets worse

the week continues. some days, it'd be better to just stay in bed...


breakfast was a handfull of painkillers. woke up, my body felt like I went 9 rounds with evander holifield (in the ring, unfortunately), knew there was no other choice and popped the pills.

there was a girl (not me) on the train who constantly muttered to herself (loonie alarm). she kept walking by saying stuff like "don't wanna carry this all around the place without having found a seat. go on, find a seat, yes, yes, looks like one, yes mutter-mutter-mutter". kinda scary when she also carries a rather big suitcase along. never know when one of those freak out and hit ya with the damn bag.

I thought it might be a good idea to go get some breakfast, so I went to the bakery around the corner from my office. I take the purchase to the cashier and the dumb bitch threw my change on the floor instead of simply handing it to me. she goes "oh sorry!" with a voice that means she isn't sorry at all and only wanted to annoy me. I answer "almost no problem, you slut."

got into office, booted up the PC, the first e-mail from goldeneye in over 6 weeks. I'm not on top of his priority list. was never. never will be. get it in your damn head, L'Orange. you're not even second choice.

it's not really the weather that gets me down. yeah, I start to get annoyed with the cold and the ice and the snow and the constant smell of wet dog everywhere. lately, it's more a feeling of can't-stand-anything-or-anyone. I'm distributing it fairly, though - I include myself.


went home, took a bathe. that's the highlight of my days lately. talked on the phone with my little brother and every third sentence started with D'OOOHHHH and every minute or so, I had to AARGGHHHH .

And then I rolled a joint and smoked it. and then I started to relax. I still hate this week, mind. I just don't have to think about it all the bloody time anymore.

nothing anyone can do. eventually, my mood will lighten up by itself. has to. will.

sick of the winter

yeah, I know. not updating as often as I could/should...

am fighting with the printer again today. it thinks it can trick me, but I'll win in the end! hahaa! *goes nuts*

on a lighter note: dear The Strokes, you know you've reached the height of commercialism when they play your latest album in H&M on weekends. okay, I'll admit, I hummed and whistled along. I'm that kind of customer. okay, okay, and afterwards, I put your damn album onto my mp3-player.
;o)


I'm sick of winter. I've had enough. last night I fell on my goddamn face when I slipped on an ice patch in the dark. managed to twist my right knee and crash onto my left. very funny to watch, I'm sure. unfortunately, there was noone about and it was so dark, even if there would've been innocent bystanders, they would've missed the best part.

gave my big bro a webcam for xmas. yesterday, I showed him how to use it. we live about 2 hours apart and he already annoys me with it. after a few hours. he's that kind of git.

I wanna go home. it's only tuesday and I've so had enough from this week.

*salutes with middle finger*

can't sleep

... and it's past 1 am, and I should be in bed.
I'm knackered.. but the thought of getting up this chair and walking over to the bedroom is a prospect that doesn't really sound so amusing. bed's empty. and cold. and the plush rat that stays there isn't the best company.

many things I should be thankful for. if only I could think of one right now.

bend over, 2006, now yer getting it!

it's a new year, eh... happy or not, it's still quite fresh. right? we got over 350 days of it to ruin it good and proper. I dunno how other people see this... but I see the prospect of all that time in front of me... and I want to run it into the ground. raising havoc, burning and pillaging, just wasting it.

I'm hungover, slightly amused over myself. last night was good. got wasted in a club with some friends and considered roughing up this chick who kept bumping into my back with her ellbows and into my hip with her brewery horse behind. not that I don't have a prolific pelvis - I just choose to not throw it into everyone else's way on an already crowded dancefloor.

maybe I'm getting old - but this year isn't and I've promised myself it's really getting it, and getting it good at that.

analyze that

yeah, I know.. first no word in 2 weeks and then she's off ranting twice.

I'm pissed off. goldeneye can't manage to drop a line in a month and then I "accidentally found" him via google search. the clip's from late december. at first I giggled with glee for having found he was still alive then, but every minute that passes sees me getting angrier and more confused.

why....?

ah just forget it. get a life and forget it.

analyze this

the past few weeks weren't about crimbo or the new year's, at least not for me. was sick for a while, hosted a xmas dinner party and realized I'm not new year's eve-compatible anymore. saw the fireworks in switzerland, which was nice, but also exhausting.

life got its foot in the door as I wasn't paying attention and now it's rioting in the living room:

I'm arranging and rearranging my thoughts. things have happened in the past few weeks that I have to digest somehow. nothing bad, not at all. it's new information that needs to be filed away properly.

what do I want with my life, where do I want it to go? where do I want to go? and why? is it enough to say coz it's nice right now what's with in a few months or next year or in 5 years?

early last year I decided not to quit my job and go back to school because I had worked so long and so hard to get to the level I'm at now. I had to renounce quite a few things to live my life like this. I remember in the beginning, living on my own, some months not knowing how to buy food because I had to pay off my first kitchen and the insurance bills and electricity, too. learning the hard way how to handle things with my single income. growing up and caring for myself. it had taken long enough as it was to get to that point.

do I really want to give it all up now? for the slight chance I'll wake up next to someone in the mornings? do I really want to sell all my crap and move halfway around the planet? really really?what if it doesn't work out the way any of us imagines it?

I'd be seriously screwed, that's what. is it being careful or insecure that makes me ask myself all these questions and some more that result from the basic ones?

Do I really want to load all these problems onto my back? my own situation was never really easy, but I'm starting to realize there's people out there who've had it really bad. my shit is almost laughable in comparison. do I really want to load their shit on top of my own? am I shying from the hurdle? is that called running away from other problems?

I haven't felt depressed in a few months now. now I feel empty. there's a void that could be filled. doesn't need to be, just could be. here, I can live relatively comfortable and I'm used to the way things are being organized. it isn't as easy elsewhere. not at all easy. do I really want complicated? for what gain? for what price?

I don't know whom to ask for advice. I don't know with whom to talk to all of this about. I'd feel too much a fool. it's nothing for the shrink either, she's one for the real problems.

my closest friend H here would say GO at whatever, as long as it hasn't anything to do with goldeneye.