a bar, a car ride and a knight in shiny armour

a bar crowded by partying people and I feel alone. the louder they chant along the bad 80ies music, the more quiet I get. they're screaming of laughter, I don't find any of this funny. I don't know anyone there apart from my mate. I don't understand her friends there. I don't understand any of what's going on. someone is shouting something into my direction. I smile and shout something back. I didn't understand what the fella tried to tell me. I told him I don't sell turtles before noon on sundays, only when the tide is high. he probably didn't understand me either, coz he's just laughing, nodding hysterically. the couple over there, necking, cuddling, tongueing.... I feel the claw tighten around my heart. there's a bunch of end-30ies girls, still sporting the bad dye jobs and bad perms, complete with the back of their bras showing under the net/see-through shirts with beads on front. b-porn starlet quality. I turn to my mate and yell if I ever turn into one of those you have to promise me now to shoot me.

I try to send a txt to goldeneye. the confirmation tells me it's not sent. I try again. didn't get through. the third one, either. I'm buzzed, but not the nice kind. I'm in the state where I notice I drank too slow, and I get sad and emotional. all I wanted is to tell him oi, I'm thinking of you here. but the damn provider won't allow it tonight. I send a different txt off to R and it goes through.

I get the mate I'm there with to understand I really have to go now. I think my expression gives me away and I don't have to beg. on the way back to her place in the car, there's one of those heartwrenching songs. she puts it on top volume and we chant along. there's many lines where the claw tightens even more. it's squeezing my heart and I can't breathe. all I can concentrate on is the tears staying in. I know the moment the first one falls, I can't stop them.

I inhale. I exhale. the song's about how he needs someone to step up for him, to come to the rescue, to be there when everyone else has abandoned him, the rock he can rely on etc. I inhale. I exhale. I watch the cars we speed by.

R is my knight in shining armour. he answers the txt I sent half an hour ago, when still in the bar. I have to grin at his lines. I inhale. I exhale. I'll survive the night.