got tagged

got tagged by chloe from http://frothonthedaydream.blogspot.com/ and I must admit I was amused answering the questions. here they are

10 years ago...
my little brother almost died in a motorcycle accident. he survived and I realized that it was my job to keep the family going. to kill the pain, I turned into a drugaddict and it cost me my school carreer.


5 years ago...
I started working in my first "real" job. it was a pretty big company, I shared an office with 2 guys and it was a super time. it lasted for 2 years and then we all got fired.


Last year...
I guess that means 2004? I had a big crisis. I looked for a different job, but couldn't find a company to hire me. flew around euroland all the bloody time, basically, I was running away from myself and my fears, it took the better part of the year to get back on my feet.


Yesterday...
I had one of "those" days at work where I turn into a superhuman being, even though I'm sick as a dog. the strangest thing is that people believe in me.


5 Yummy Things...
1) tuna pizza
2) kisses
3) chocolate & cookies
4) anything to do with espresso
5) vodka lemon


5 Things I Know By Heart...
a couple dozen phone numbers
dozens of clientnumbers
my passwords to pc-stuff, mobile phones and bank-cards
family birthdays
lots and lots of song lyrics


5 Things I'd Do If I Had Lots Of Money...
travel lots more
buy a house and a car and a boat and a hire house personnel
in every city I feel at home at
build shelters for street urchins whereever needed
have those "restaurants" where poor people can eat for free whereever needed


5 Places I Escape To...
my home
my computer
books
dreams
london


5 Things I'd Never Wear...
anything really too small
the kind of highheels that ya can't actually walk in
silver or gold or pink fabriques, 'coz I look stupid in that
the kind of fashion where various parts of the body just hang out - if I want to expose my nipples and bumcheeks, I'll demand money for that, tyvm
guns


5 Fav TV Shows...
will & grace
x-files (when it was still on)
the CSIs (all of them)
crossing jordan
viva la bam (I kid you not, I'm obsessed with the guy)


5 Things I Enjoy Doing...
listening, singing- and dancing along to music
anything ya can do with and to a PC
reading and watching the telly
talking to people - on the phone, the internet, live
sex


if they see: I wanna tag Serial Loser, Berlinbound-in-Cologne and NML.

careful.... toes to step on

careful what ya wish for, right? I wished for someone who knows me a little to realize who I am and love me for it. it appears D does. kinda-sorta. or he's putting on a damn good show. I don't know, but it frightens me (more than just a bit). the other day, I called him on the phone because I was so tired and needed to lay down a bit, and the phone was the easiest way. that might turn out into a massive phone bill. think of other-side-of-the-world. not sure yet. so far away. it hasn't affected me at all when the thing with S went on last year and again this year. maybe it's just too easy? or it hasn't clicked (just yet)?

in a way, I know we're very similar in many ways, but don't match at all in many other vital things. I like him so, I don't wanna step onto his toes or even hurt him. I'd never wanna hurt him. or anybody.

but in hurt it'll inevitably end.

and I'll be just as hurt by it all.

he claims we'll always be friends. something tells me that won't be possible for him in the end. what am I doing? I'm not playing anything, but I should've stepped back a few when that was still possible. here I am, like so many times before, seeing the end before it's even really beginning. I wish I had this kind of foresight when it comes to the lottery numbers. or horse races.

damn shite.

cards and mary in the early morning

right, so the deed is done. a coupla dozen christmas cards finished, the ones to my clients already shipped out in the afternoon, my private correspondence is written, put into neat envelopes and all that's missing is me taking them to the post office tomorrow - oh hang on, today! when I pick up the parcel the postman left for me there.

I can already see the post-person's face behind the counter when I hand over all the envelopes and jiffy bags to be sent around the planet a time or two. extended family, in every harbour a girl, globalization at its best. call it what you will, I'm tired as hell. mary j., go sing me to sleep. thanks.
over and out. someone, please roger me.

a bar, a car ride and a knight in shiny armour

a bar crowded by partying people and I feel alone. the louder they chant along the bad 80ies music, the more quiet I get. they're screaming of laughter, I don't find any of this funny. I don't know anyone there apart from my mate. I don't understand her friends there. I don't understand any of what's going on. someone is shouting something into my direction. I smile and shout something back. I didn't understand what the fella tried to tell me. I told him I don't sell turtles before noon on sundays, only when the tide is high. he probably didn't understand me either, coz he's just laughing, nodding hysterically. the couple over there, necking, cuddling, tongueing.... I feel the claw tighten around my heart. there's a bunch of end-30ies girls, still sporting the bad dye jobs and bad perms, complete with the back of their bras showing under the net/see-through shirts with beads on front. b-porn starlet quality. I turn to my mate and yell if I ever turn into one of those you have to promise me now to shoot me.

I try to send a txt to goldeneye. the confirmation tells me it's not sent. I try again. didn't get through. the third one, either. I'm buzzed, but not the nice kind. I'm in the state where I notice I drank too slow, and I get sad and emotional. all I wanted is to tell him oi, I'm thinking of you here. but the damn provider won't allow it tonight. I send a different txt off to R and it goes through.

I get the mate I'm there with to understand I really have to go now. I think my expression gives me away and I don't have to beg. on the way back to her place in the car, there's one of those heartwrenching songs. she puts it on top volume and we chant along. there's many lines where the claw tightens even more. it's squeezing my heart and I can't breathe. all I can concentrate on is the tears staying in. I know the moment the first one falls, I can't stop them.

I inhale. I exhale. the song's about how he needs someone to step up for him, to come to the rescue, to be there when everyone else has abandoned him, the rock he can rely on etc. I inhale. I exhale. I watch the cars we speed by.

R is my knight in shining armour. he answers the txt I sent half an hour ago, when still in the bar. I have to grin at his lines. I inhale. I exhale. I'll survive the night.

I'm old...

I realized this yesterday, when it took me untill 7 pm to recover from the hangover that was accomplished on a club-night that lasted untill 3 am on sunday morning. I realize this today, when I notice it took me over a day to write down the story.

well, 3 am on a sunday morning used to be when I started to warm up when I was younger. I wouldn't've been seen dead in a club before 1 - 1.30 am. it just wasn't worth going out before that. so we'd spend the time hanging around at a mate's, get some plonk in or try to cheat our stomach lining with food we'd puke out later anyways, what with all the alcohol-and-E-mix we'd forcefeed ourselves with the rest of the night.
anyways... I met up with M-girl and C-girl at midnight saturday-to-sunday, in front of a club downtown. we decided to go around the corner to the basement of a café first, where they have a tiny little club, fitting for about 40 people (but they have a dancing pole to make up for that. not a dancing person of east-european descent, no.. one of those strip-joint accessories connecting the floor with the ceiling). there was a total of 3 guys our age in the place, the rest were 16 - 20 years old. at least with the bit of light down there, noone saw our grey hair.

after a round of drinks, we buggered off to the club we had met up to begin with and went down without paying at the door. that's the club I used to work at, nowadays it has a different name though, and they changed the corner where my crew used to hang out into a vip-lounge. bastards.

we had another bunch of drinks. by the third or so, C-girl started to have a considerable list to the side and wasn't standing too firmly on her feet anymore. but that didn't stop any of us from shaking our moneymakers. no indeed not. anone remember the knack's "my sharona"? that riff, in a nice house-techno boom-boom. of course, when you're younger than 20, you won't remember that song. I did though. and kept chanting MY MY MY MYYYY SHAROOONAAA over the riff. I'll do whatever slightly amusing after I had enough to drink.

we got bored after a bit, and went 4 doors further, into another basement club. young crowd, they were playing RnB there, and C-girl was sent to the bar to get the next round for us. we only managed to spill half when we decided it was too lame for us and we left again. but since we're economical... we carried our half-full drinks along. they'll let 3 drunk women do that in my city. bouncers probably fear the wrath of the harpyies. we needed the drinks anyways, since we decided to walk around 2 more corners for a little ground-level club, but the bouncer there wouldn't let C-girl go in, after M-girl had already run inside with her glass in her pocket. C-girl put her drink on the floor, asking if it was okay now? bouncer said no, go throw the glass away over there in the trashcan. she tried to pick it up, but instead of her hand grasping the glass, she managed to kick the glass with her foot and it broke and she asked if she can go in now? the bouncer said no, so she picked up 2 of the bigger shards, put them in the trashcan in the next doorway and came back. the moment the bouncer was about to let us in, M-girl came back out shouting how shite it was inside and we should go back to the second club of the night. so off we went.

by that time, I was still nursing my half vodka-lemon I had carried around in the pocket of my parka. (no, I didn't spill any) I noticed I needed to go to the bathroom. bad. and home, too. I had tried to sneak off a few times after 2:30... but they wouldn't let me go home. so, I went to the loo in that club and then told the girls in a firm (if slurring) voice, that I'd take up the opportunity to crawl home now. which is what I did.


when I came home a little after 3 am, I pulled the glass out of my pocket and put it in the kitchen. where it still stands on the counter, in its pristine stolen glory. other people manage to at least steal an ashtray. I am now the proud owner of a slightly used londrink glass. not that there had been a glass shortage in my cupboards previously.

the world is small....

my sister lives far away. we talked earlier this morning, right before she went to bed. apparently, her and hubby went foodshopping and stumbled over this guy , EL, I entertained myself with for a weekend when I was in my early 20ies. of course he recognized sis and hubby and was rather insecure about meeting them by chance out there at the end of the world.


EL used to have an unhealthy interest in me. I wouldn't give him the light of day, took the piss at him and generally let him know I didn't give a rat's arse. one night - I was working in a club behind the counter at the time - he got drunk (well, when didn't he?) and came up to me, asking if I'd accompany him home after my shift. I said nay. he started to beg. I said, well, maybe, but only if we wait untill everyone else has gone home, if noone sees me leave the place with him and if noone ever will find out. he was to keep his mouth shut about it, coz I found him way too awkward. yeah, I was a bitch. and yes, he was a masochist, if I've ever seen one. of course, that night I didn't go home with him. I called the bouncer down to my bar half an hour later, to collect EL and his mates to tell them their night was over. hehehehe

some months later, my sis and her hubby moved further north and I visited them loads. apparently, EL, being a workmate of sis-hubby, had gone there, too, so one night, when we all went out to a pub, EL showed up and tried to get into my good books. what can I say, I was bored, I was lonely, I had just broken up a previous relation, I was drunk and well, he was there. so I went home with him. it was a disaster. he tried to show off what a good little lad he was, but I'm not into sex as an olympic discipline. whatever it was he was trying to do there... it wasn't exactly my cup o'tea. 3 months later, he married some bird from way up north and that was that.
it amuses me. the thought of them bumping into one another out there, knowing each other and of each other... I know my sis had to refrain herself from jump-starting his memory about what a little fool he was when he was a bachelor...

it's a part of my life I kept supressed in a little box in the top locker of my memory. life's weird and the world is small.