expecting the worst...
I read something mildly interesting about luck the other day. too lazy to try to find the newspaper article now... anyways, some psychatrist got interviewed about luck. he states that it is a state of psychical and physical wellbeing, that can result from the momentary situation, a hope or a good idea. the anticipation of things that may happen - but don't have to happen. anticipation in combination with hope.
if that's true, I understand why I'm walking the line lately. in a way, I'm anticipating seeing goldeneyes again in just a few months to come. on the other hand: I'm scared shitless about that happening or not happening. (note to self: I'll believe it when I see it, remember)
what if he doesn't come? life has a tendency to not run a course one's planned. things can go wrong, things might not work out.
what if he comes and I don't like him anymore? anticlimax. I can deal with that. I can be nice to someone without me being involved. he would still have a great vacation, I know.
what if he comes and he doesn't like me anymore? or "not that way"? anticlimax. I'll have anticipated something for so long, that having had misunderstood the situation would be a pain in the ass. apart from my ego inflating. the embarrassment. the hurt. could I just swallow it... could I take that blow?
what if he comes and we like one another... like we did back then? or even more? right, then I'm screwed big time. both, literally and metaphysically. there'd be big changes coming up and I wouldn't know how to deal with those. how could I watch him get on a plane again? how could I ever find sleep again, when it took me years the last time he left?
I've been kicked in the face before, I know I survive that. I'm already the bitter bitch of the south-west, how much worse could it possibly get?
loads. g'damn.
if that's true, I understand why I'm walking the line lately. in a way, I'm anticipating seeing goldeneyes again in just a few months to come. on the other hand: I'm scared shitless about that happening or not happening. (note to self: I'll believe it when I see it, remember)
what if he doesn't come? life has a tendency to not run a course one's planned. things can go wrong, things might not work out.
what if he comes and I don't like him anymore? anticlimax. I can deal with that. I can be nice to someone without me being involved. he would still have a great vacation, I know.
what if he comes and he doesn't like me anymore? or "not that way"? anticlimax. I'll have anticipated something for so long, that having had misunderstood the situation would be a pain in the ass. apart from my ego inflating. the embarrassment. the hurt. could I just swallow it... could I take that blow?
what if he comes and we like one another... like we did back then? or even more? right, then I'm screwed big time. both, literally and metaphysically. there'd be big changes coming up and I wouldn't know how to deal with those. how could I watch him get on a plane again? how could I ever find sleep again, when it took me years the last time he left?
I've been kicked in the face before, I know I survive that. I'm already the bitter bitch of the south-west, how much worse could it possibly get?
loads. g'damn.
posted by daria l'orange at 4:07 pm
2 Comments:
this is difficult. but not impossible. and anyway, not something you can use reason to avoid is it? good luck.
thanks, I don't wanna give up hope to solve this yet either. not in my control, still giving me a headache heh.
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