playing pretend

sure, what is shown on the telly isn't reality. but then, there's some stories you see and you feel better. lorelei gets luke (gilmore girls), jamie and paul are kinda weird but lovely (mad about you) and every once in a while there's a scene in some movie and it's so real you want to be there. not inside the movie, mind... but in that situation.

and sometimes you dream, and the dream is so sweet, so breathtaking, you don't want to wake up and when ya finally do (shame, really), you still have that smile on your face. this happened to me earlier this morning, when I woke up the first time. I dreamed I had an e-mail from goldeneye, and lots of it was in my mothertongue (he used to speak some when he still lived here) and he had put some pics in it and while I read that note in my dream, I heard his voice reading it aloud and thinking of that now brings tears to my eyes.

then I woke up. I instantly knew it had just been a dream, but the hope was back. I hoped so much, I'd get to office, and there'd be a note from him in reality. I kept telling myself there wouldn't be, it had just been a dream. why am I still a bit disappointed there really was no message?


because I'm an idiot, that's why.


20 minutes later, this mate of mine whom I've known for about 2 years now tried to cheer me up. he didn't know what was up, but he cheered me up big time. we talked throughout the day and now I know he fancies me. good thing too, us living half a planet apart. I really know how to choose a man...

well done, doll.

what the hell...

anyone know The Darkness? british glam rock band? the singer is a counter tenor... but I digress.

they just played "I believe in a thing called love" on the radio and I've caught myself screaming along. that's disturbing....

Touching you, touching me
touching you, god you're touching me

I believe in a thing called love
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we could make it now
We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
Ooh!

that's friggin' horrid. I've seen the video clip to that on mtv before. it's... umm... "curageous". ;o)

I'm very amused.

bitter chocolate

I'm a cynic. bitter. nothing to be ashamed of. rather an aspect I actually like about myself. it's helped me to survive. so you ignore me. bfd, that ain't the first, not the worst ever happening to me. I expect you to not decide for me. the day someone does, it'll be similar to hell (not the one in norway) freezing over. fat chance, etc.

why am I doing this to myself? why am I dumb enough to let you come into a close enough range to hurt the fuck outta me? because I'm stupid. because I wish for things that can never happen. because you would never take any action towards me. because you will never take up any responsibility. see? I hurt myself more than you ever could. I'm more brutal than anyone else could ever be. nothing you could say or do is worse than what I'm telling or doing to myself already. you don't like me? bfd, I hate myself, whatever you do or don't do is by miles nicer than anything I do.

you actually help me prove my thesis. the worse the situation, the pain, the sorrow... the more I know how right I am. I'm in control. there's nothing you could possibly do that'd change my view.

of course it hurts anyways. but it's not you hurting me, it's me hurting myself. I'll survive. like I always did.

sing-along

it's getting cold in here

so put on all your clothes

I'm getting so cold

I'm gonna put my coat on

tralalala. now lemme stick up that damn dancing pinocchio up nelly's arse. yeah, that's much better. thanks.

more

I want more than I can possibly get. nothing's on offer, but I want it all. I want more than a note every few weeks. I get a line, I want one every day. I get "yer great", I want you're the only one please come back.

that's what happens when ya always get nothing. it takes physical strength not to send messages every day. I want to be around all the time, I wanna be there. I don't want to appear to be a stalker or some poor psycho running after him. it's hard not to. the homesick feeling is back. just this once I want to be lucky. just this once I want my piece of happy-ending, even though it won't be happy when it all ends.

I want more.

where's he hiding now?

I don't know where he is. well, the area in general, I do know. from the telly. the news. the kind where ya think "for fuck's sake, that's horrible" and you wanna run to the fridge and make those poor little kids something to eat and give them all your blankets. where ya run the figures of your bank statements in your head again to see if you can afford to adopt them all.

yeah, I know, I'm a damn egocentric... but I start to miss him again, I do.

yeah great, there we have it...

I miss him. loads. and I shouldn't. he ain't around now. he hasn't been in years... and he won't be for months to come... and even when/if he will be, noone knows for what reason. or maybe he knows... on the other hand, maybe he doesn't, either.

I shouldn't miss him. that doesn't make things easier or better for me. I can't help it, the... addiction, if you will... has come back.

I'm pathetic. just 'coz he said I-love-you all those years ago, doesn't mean he'll say - or mean it - again. admit it, you're just asking for trouble!

expecting the worst...

I read something mildly interesting about luck the other day. too lazy to try to find the newspaper article now... anyways, some psychatrist got interviewed about luck. he states that it is a state of psychical and physical wellbeing, that can result from the momentary situation, a hope or a good idea. the anticipation of things that may happen - but don't have to happen. anticipation in combination with hope.
if that's true, I understand why I'm walking the line lately. in a way, I'm anticipating seeing goldeneyes again in just a few months to come. on the other hand: I'm scared shitless about that happening or not happening. (note to self: I'll believe it when I see it, remember)

what if he doesn't come? life has a tendency to not run a course one's planned. things can go wrong, things might not work out.

what if he comes and I don't like him anymore? anticlimax. I can deal with that. I can be nice to someone without me being involved. he would still have a great vacation, I know.

what if he comes and he doesn't like me anymore? or "not that way"? anticlimax. I'll have anticipated something for so long, that having had misunderstood the situation would be a pain in the ass. apart from my ego inflating. the embarrassment. the hurt. could I just swallow it... could I take that blow?

what if he comes and we like one another... like we did back then? or even more? right, then I'm screwed big time. both, literally and metaphysically. there'd be big changes coming up and I wouldn't know how to deal with those. how could I watch him get on a plane again? how could I ever find sleep again, when it took me years the last time he left?



I've been kicked in the face before, I know I survive that. I'm already the bitter bitch of the south-west, how much worse could it possibly get?

loads. g'damn.

if that ain't cool I dunno what is...

in today's episode we learn why
1) berlin loves me
2) I'm really dariock holmes
3) why today is actually christmas
and
4) I'm unsure if I don't really belong to a sicillian famiglia

new ways to create social jealousy from one's boss. client from berlin calls up with a weird question. dariock holmes says she'll call back in a few and googles around a bit. gets suspicious and goes on the buyyourshitehere page. finds proof her mama didn't raise a fool there, calls client back and tells him he can get his heart's desire with "the enemy".

he doesn't exactly have tears in his eyes, but asks if I liked their goodiebag they sent the other day. "which goodiebag?" I ask. he sighs and says they sent 2 packages, one their return, one adressed to me directly. "oopsie" I goes and promise to open the already-packed-return-shipments-ready-to-be-picked-up-to-be-shipped-back-to-my-warehouse. I find his package and open it in the hallway. a box of swiss pralinées by lindt and a little book. one of those little books you flip very fast and then the picture moves. pocketcinema? it's a bird that hops and says thankyou. bossman walks by, while I still go aaawwwwww, he looks at my chocolate and I chuckle at him with "see? they love me!".

I call the client again and say aawww and thankyou! and ask what's the occasion? he goes well it was for all my help. I tell him that's for free and there's no need to give me anything for it. he says they know but they wanted to show me they're really grateful. I'm moved, I really am! :o)))


the doorbell. parcel-service, bringing the housepost from HQ and another package for me. yay! it's the sneakers I ordered! I try them on, they fit, they're blue, they're adidas, they cost about 1/3 of the retail price, I love them immediately. a look at the calendar claims it's only november, but they're wrong. it's christmas, it has to be ;o)


my brothers are having a bit of a vendetta with one another. the older one (OO) vs. younger one (YO). long story short: they had a bit of an arguement earlier this year and stopped talking in april. YO called OO up monday night, but OO cut him short after 20 seconds, not wanting to talk to him. YO's hurt, OO sends me pissy sms to my mobile phone. I think they're both dorks and pussies and I wish once again I was a single child. not.

heheheh

magic? show me the beans first!

this guy I know asked some questions about magic the other day. it went a lil' something like this:

try to imagine a world just a little more magical than your present one... where your cynical logic has been toned down..where we're able to bend the natural laws as we know them just a little bit... and what if everything our parents taught us about the world wasn't really all that real? it's true if you see it that way.. cause your thoughts create the world right?

errmmm... real life ain't a friggin' disney movie, ya dumbfuck!

the world IS exactly different to the way my mother has taught me. people not related to my mother show love completely different than she does: they do not start a fight because they're bored or "to show their affection", they do not kick their supposedly loved ones below the belt emotionally and they will not blackmail them whenever they feel like it. oh hang on...
life is many things... if it's magical - I don't know. maybe for people who're able to switch their brain off. it is for kids - before they find out how things work. it is for retarded people - they don't notice the reality of things.
did life make me cynical? yo betcha. is that a bad thing? I think not. I find something to make fun of 24/7. I survive this way.

maybe his question was a bit too metaphysical to really take serious. the bits of life I see are only those where I don't "fit". I'm always too young, too old, too short, too tall, too thin, too fat, too dumb, too intelligent, too blond, too dyed, my hair is too short or too long, I'm too cool or not cool enough... I simply don't belong.

of course, for many years, I ran into walls. I thought my head would be tougher than the walls that were built to keep me out. it took me a long time to realize it's only my head and my heart that breaks, but never the walls. sometimes I got lucky along the way. lucky in which way? easy: I was taken the piss at by people I didn't really respect to begin with. that heals fairly quick. it's like bumping your ellbow against the desk. the pain shooting through your funny bone will blind you for a moment, but after that, you're okay.

I fell on my face, I got back up, dusted myself off and went back in the ring.

I still can't really get over the fact I wasn't "picked". back in school, that never happened to me. maybe the first few times in a new PT class. when they thought I would be crap in whatever ball sport. then I showed 'em. the next time, I'd be voted into the team first. unfortunately, that ain't the deal in real life. or at least not for me.

how do other people pull it off? I never fully lose that question. it makes me wonder. can anyone show/teach me how it's done, please? is life like a movie, but instead of being mercifully cut short into "and they lived happily ever after - the end" you don't see the part where their love ends and they cheat on, hurt and maim each other? I wouldn't know.


I always know when I have a gem in front of me. usually a rough diamond. not "cut into shape" just yet. bit wild-card-ish. I take off a little here or there. sometimes all I hold in my hands in the end is not up to my investment.

a grey mouse

I just realized I'm uncool.

we had a holiday yesterday and I spent the first 4 hours of the day reading newsmags in the quiet of the house. the only sound would be me chuckling over an article or the sound of the kettle boiling more tea water. I took a bathe in the early afternoon and cut my fingernails and cut a mate calling short by telling him I'm about to take a bathe and the phone battery is almost empty because I didn't feel like talking. my folks stopped by at around 6 for a cuppa and a chat and then they took all the moving boxes I usually store in my basement to lend them to my mum's mate, who's moving in a few weeks. I was relieved when they left. I drank a bottle of plonk red wine when they left and then laughed and cried at the telly.

last month I went clubbing once. when my mate was visiting from vienna. I met some guys again I used to hang around with when I was a kiddo and I noticed that some of them age much slower than I do, that I wouldn't believe Shorty quit smoking ganja and that I can't handle as much alcohol anymore like I used to when I was 20 or so.

I don't drool over guys on advertisements in magazines or commercials on the telly, but I get wet by just browsing the ikea catalogue, online or paper doesn't really matter. when I'm a bit down, the probability is higher I'll buy a few mugs than a t-shirt.

I just quit smoking the other month. I can smell people smoking a cig while waiting for the tram down on the road. I'm on second floor....?

the love interest in my life at the moment lives on another continent right now. he sent me 2 sms onto my mobile phone today with a total of 3 words (in my mother tongue) and that makes me grin.

I "need" a new PC, a new mattrass and frame for my bed and I don't know from which money I'm supposed to pay for that. that's the only real problem in my life right now. apart from that I'm looking to find a sewing machine I can possibly afford. (the crappy kind)

I'm not just uncool, I've turned incredibly dull, too! :)))


when I was 18, I thought by the time I turned 30, I'd be married with children, my guy'd be superman, I'd be living in another country than the one I live in now, having a really cool job and not a single worry in the world. was I ever wrong!