miss, don't go

I had my mate visit over the weekend and we were 'avin' ourselves a good time. when she left again yesterday afternoon, I felt so empty, I still feel sad. I went home, resumed the red-wine-drinking (some semi-decent bottle from languedoc produced in 2000... yes, if the wine was good to begin with, you can leave it laying around the rack for a few years), switched on the telly and watched a documentary about venice and the surrounding areas... which made me cry with homesickness. or maybe it was just the wine.

the euro state I live in has a holiday tomorrow, so I can let myself go tonight...

wine, woman and song....

the small things

how come it's the small things that give me that certain kick?
how come a bit of sunshine for a few days in late october can bring me such perverse joy? (especially if that means I can leave the jacket at home and just wear a hooded sweater)
how come receiving a txt with "tell me if you can receive this" draws a grin onto my face? (especially since it took the lad in question only about 9 years of knowing him to figure out the pleasures of txt-ing people. he's a gifted mind, but some things in life he needs help with, bless his heart)
how come the tiniest little gesture of well-meaning gives me such a high? (even though my other me takes the piss at myself for that. for it being pathetic)

how come the anticipation of having my best mate from the other side of the mountains come visit tomorrow makes me feel like doing a step dance solo number all day long?

how come watching my inane colleagues doing silly things just makes me laugh and shake my head? (especially when I used to go berserk over similar incidents mere months ago)




and how come my mother thinks she can tell almost-30-me I shouldn't say ARSE all the time? as if I'd really stop doing that? as if I'd care what she thinks is appropriate?

a thesis.... on giving

right, this is something I've thought over for quite some time now. adjusted it according to observation... here goes:

there's givers and takers, we all agree on that. now, there's certain rules that apply:

- being a giver, you need to find a taker to take what you give (and vice versa)
- being a giver, you're only happy if you have a taker around.

if you're a giver and you can't find a taker, you get unhappy after some time. this isn't about you gave too much and now you're empty... it's most likely to do with the fashion has changed and what you can give/have to offer was last season's chic and instead of trying to "sell" your ski gear in august, just leave it be for the time being and go sit outside in the sun for a while.

if you're a giver that hasn't been able to give for quite some time, because your offer hasn't been of the latest fashion, and suddenly you have found a taker, you immediately remember what happiness means.

now, the professional giver doesn't give a fuck if he/she gets anything in return. the professional giver doesn't WANT anything back. sneaking up on a taker and just giving without leaving a chance to return a little favour can be quite satisfying. it's a bit like coming back to the hotel room and finding the little chocolate on the pillow left by the maid. the maid leaves that choccie if you tip her or not. and there's loads more choccie where the one on your pillow came from.



on a personal note: isn't it funny how much value a 2 liner txt message suddenly gets when it comes from someone who
a) has never sent you one before
b) is a precious person to you
c) sends it halfways around the globe
d) it arrives and you immediately grin and your mood goes up 3 stories on the express elevator
e) was sneaked (snuck? hehe) into your workday - never expected this

towersurfing...

so my home pc has committed suicide; it probably didn't like being switched off, so when I tried to start it last thursday night, all I got as reply was a middle-finger-gesture and a lunatic giggle from the tower, and then I saw the processor riding off on the motherboard. bastards!

now here's the fun part: I don't really care all that much. yeah, sure I miss my mp3-collection and the porn.. but... it's just a little inconvenience. I knew I'd have to replace it pretty soon anyways, so this is a perfect excuse to get geekfriend to build me a new one. of course, it's quite handy my bankaccount has a vacuum... dammit!

on the other hand: when is a bank account ever filled? yeah, let's be honest about that. heh

a few months ago, this would've caused me a depressed episode. all that happens now is I'm coming up with loadsa bad puns and the knowledge I have a few dozen books I could read....

I could also go and get "real" friends and a proper private life. yeah, right.

go blog, go! 1 year down the road....

happy birthday, strange blog you. I would've never thought I'd keep ya going for that long... even though I must admit, I didn't always give you the attention you might've deserved. I also didn't look for someone special to hold the laudatio for your anniversary. maybe someone reads this and gives ya a holler in the comments ;o)

yay blog yayyy it's your first birthday!

running with knives

there's this image of a person with an angel and a demon sitting on each shoulder. having a chat, everyone trying to get his opinion across. shouting match going on...
I find that amusing, but to me, it feels like there's the reckless optimistic voice and the tired-of-life jaded depressed one having a constant conversation. they get really loud when the jaded depressed one suggests to ram a knife down my arms, just above the wrist. and reckless optimistic sighs and leads JD away for a pint and a bit of telly.

I want a pacifier. ummm.. a cigarette. real bad. I need something to relax my mind, get other thoughts in. I need a hug and be told I'm loved and all will be well.

the proverbial being hit by a meteor...

selftitled

so I'm back from the country run on cheese toast... I'll give ye another hint: smoking marihuana is legal there.
I also learned that consuming more than 2 grams orally leads me to pray to the gods of the porcellaine.

anyways....

apart from that long weekend, I've quit smoking for... almost 4 weeks now. of course I keep on lighting one every couple of days coz I forgot I quit. old habits die hard... ya don't just get over 15 years of smoking with the snap of a finger. well, the side-effects of not smoking are showing already. more oxygen, which leads to mad outbursts of energy and better sleep. a weird taste in my mouth (which does not taste of tobacco.. ). a strange mood... basically I'm quite cranky and let it out on everyone crossing my path... not that I wasn't quite the choleric before :P
the tasting hasn't really improved, but the smelling has. which is the most annoying. suddenly I smell things like dust, weird body odours, the neighbours' cooking, the scent of rotting leaves on the ground outside etc pp.
am I turning into a dog?

happy

weird things are happening...

I call his number, it gives a quite normal ring... it rings about 5 times and he answers the phone!

we talk like we always were able to talk: making each other laugh with little stories, I'm mocking life in general and he's laughing about all of my jokes, and he's getting them, too! and I can hear his smile in his voice and it makes me so happy! and I can feel myself blushing and feel elated about it all.
we talk about the months ahead and seeing one another again and talk about things he wants to do with us in the future, taking me out to do what's become really important in his life, he wants me to participate in that...

I'm grinning, I'm laughing, this is awesome
I don't want this to stop, I don't want to give this up, I want this to be part of my life again.

on the other hand, I'm smoking the first cig in over a week, it's like the post coital cigarette heh heh

I can't believe that half an hour on the phone with him, having such a sweet little conversation can make me so damn happy. don't stop, don't go away again.

*grins*

please. please.