we all want to be perceived, right? deep in my heart I know I'm alright. the way I am. it's just... sometimes I want to be noticed the way I am. for my abilities. for my intelligence. for my kindness. even for me cracking jokes when it's really not appropriate. for who and what I am.
goldeneye and me go way back. I remember the night I first met him. MT and I hung out with G, basically just drinking beer and smoking and talking bull, when there's a knock on the door and those 3 cute geeks walk in. the 2 Ns (both had the same first name) and goldeneye. what they didn't know was... MT, G and me had partied for quite a while... and where MT and me come from, when someone enters the room, you don't pretend yer alone... ya just and wait and let everyone have their say, get a feel for the room. well, okay MT and me were so stoned, we didn't feel to speak. hehe. the goldeneye wore a smurf-blue t-shirt and he had really ugly glasses. I grinned.
about half a year later, we went to a big gig together, with some other people. it was a lovely weekend, and we used goldeneye's cartrunk as a fridge... some of the lads had even remembered to pack some toiletpaper, while I put some gallons of water in the trunk of my car so we could shower on the street. I think, of that weekend, we were the only bunch of people who didn't stink and had fresh-washed hair. *chuckles*
another half year later, I was working at that club. I had just served a round of shots and gotten a coupla bottles back to the counter, when goldeneye tips my shoulder. I remember turning around and getting a nice hug and took a break to have a chat with him. after about 20 minutes he asked if I'd move to s-town with him should he get transferred there. after that night, we started to see more of each other. my sister started going out with a workmate of his, so we used to drop by his place, too, and see what he's up to. one night I waited for the goldeneye to get back from work and I drove him to the club, chanting along to the music in the car. anyone remember that old
en vogue album? ;o)
one of those nights, we had a big row in the car. I can't quite remember what it was about, but I remember saying to him "oh, don't worry, I'm not gonna tell you that I love you". I noticed much later, that there's 2 ways of understanding that sentence. but that was the night when the sky crashed down on me and while I was looking into his face to see his reaction, that's exactly what happened to me. I fell in love with him.
what can I say, we were so young. 21 and stupid. 21, thinking nothing could destroy that. 21 and being so naive, so innocent, still. of course, in my life, quite a few bad things had happened - which I won't go into now - but love wasn't a bitter or sad or bad experience yet.
looking into his sleeping face at nights, I was so surprised about how I could've found this lovely boy; how the planet had turned just the right way to make me find him. never before and never again did anyone hold me like that before going to sleep, telling me not to worry, my head wasn't too heavy on his arm, telling me not to worry about my 2 different tits, because he had 2 different-sized hands anyways. how he shrieked and screamed of laughter when I made claws of my hands as if about to attack him with the tickles!
but time was too short. the timing was way off. he had to leave after a few months, had a transfer with work, and it was far away. another country. I remember sitting on the metroline with him, bringing him to the airport. and we'd already realized, he would be too late to make that flight. I sat there, with his head on my lap, singing
time is on my side to him. and he missed that plane. they put him on the same flight the following day, so I brought him back home with me. I even did a dance on the airport when they told us I'd have him 24 hours longer. but even that day came and went and again we stood at the airport, me hugging him from behind, inhaling his scent, rubbing my head against his back, wishing things were different. and when he went through that gate, he said he'd be back.
the next day, I called him. his dad answered the phone, saying
we've been waiting for your call, girl. and he carried the phone in to goldeneye. who started crying when he heard my voice, and at the end of that brief call, he said
I love you. for the first time. in my entire life.
for 1,5 years, we kept having a long-distance relationship. different time-zones. difficulties to talk on the phone. keeping contact by infrequent e-mails. it was hell on wheels. when that time was up, I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep anymore. I broke down. I was suicidal. I kept waiting for him to ask me to get my arse on a plane and come see him. but that never happened. in the end, I told him to lose my phone number and never contact me again.
which, of course, didn't happen. we kept in contact. sometimes the breaks in between a word from the other side were long enough for me beginning to get over it. there were months that went by without me ever thinking of him. but then, one of us would remember and then there'd be a note, or a call. which went on for years.
last year, he was transferred by work again. it's a place I wouldn't wanna have to stay at, so I started dropping him little notes frequently. every bunch of days, I'd send a funny picture or a joke or make some wise-cracks about the dopes at my work. to keep his spirits up. to entertain him a bit. I even remembered his birthday.
on thursday morning, last week, he replied with a big thanks, saying he had never noticed what kind of person (what a kind person?? his grammar was a bit off hehehe) I am and it's been all those years. and would I please, when that job of his is finished, come back to his place and stay for a while.
I waited 5 or 6 years for that line. I waited all my life for someone to actually
notice/perceive me. for someone as precious as he still is to me to finally figure out that I'm neither an ogre nor the wicked witch of the west, but simply
me, with all my
facettes, with all my faults, but with basically a good heart.
I don't know where this is going. that isn't important right now. but can you believe how much I treasure those lines he wrote? how something so little as writing him some notes to cheer him up when he's feeling poorly has possibly made him realize I'm out there? even though most of you folks out there will laugh now, thinking oh that poor little thing, she thinks she's found gold while he's pulling her leg again, she must be really disturbed to still believe in santa claus.
yes, you're probably right. but, you see... it might be worth it. there might be something good waiting out there for me.
I'm wishing on a star....
