update on the wasp

on the phone with me best mate H a little earlier tonight. I told him the bit about the wasp. here's his opinion:

"you definately need a man. talking to wasps, I ask ya! things are going from bad to worse. wasps! and it understood ya, too! what the hell?!?"


P-the-techie was supposed to stop by at 6 pm tonight to put in the new dvd-burner into my tower here. he called at 5:30 to tell me he'd be late, possibly between 6 pm and 7 pm. at 7:15 pm he calls again and says not too long now, about half an hour. at short past 8 he calls again saying he's about to leave and he's hungry. "no worries, dude, I'm just cooking some spaghetti with tomato sauce." says I. at around 10 pm he calls again to tell me the server has crashed at his office and he has to tell me he won't come around to my place tonight.

now where's a nice wasp when I need one to keep me company? heh?

friday!

one of my 3 alarmclocks is a radio alarm. it goes off at 06:45 am every morning and it's on top volume, right next to my head. always the same fm station, a regional one. same crew every weekday, 2 lads (alex and ekke) in their late 30ies (I know them personally) doing their morning number...

and this morning, some joe called in to ask them for the friday-sermon. it goes a lil some like this:

"down on your knees, unworthy folk! into the dust with you, you vipers! bow down and thank the lord god who's made it friday!"blahblahblah

by that time, the lad on the phoneline and ekke were cackling with laughter, while alex asked with a hostile smile in his voice "are you satisfied now?" which ensued more laughter. from my side, too.alex went on " I think one day I'll make a fine itinerant preacher" I fell out of bed on that one.

a bit later, when I was showered and dressed etc... I wanted to close my balcony door, which is usually open during the night to let fresh air in and my cigarette smoke out, and noticed a wasp had mistaken my condo for a diner. it was already in the middle of the livingroom, so I said "tsk tsk c'mon" to it and it followed my shoulder to the balcony door, which I opened wide and it flew out again. my good deed for today? easy-piecy with trained wasps, I'm tellin' ya!

the train station, later. bought my morningly cup of cappuccino, carried it to the tracks, smoked a cig, waited for the train. train comes, I get on it, stumble over my feet in the hallway and let the cuppa fly 2 metres. there goes the coffee. oh well...

cry wolf, why don't ya

he’d been crying wolf for years. I’ve felt sorry in the beginning, over time thought he’s quite insane untill I came to the point when I just felt sorry, he musta been hurt so much that was his way of adressing his issues... blahblahblah anyways I had grown a soft spot for him.

right untill the moment when I noticed he’s not “seeing” me. he doesn’t notice me. not like a real person. I’m merely the fool who still listened to his ranting and raving, trying to stand by him as a mate, showing him the soft spot every once in a while, showing patience (“look, I do like you)... he kept on crying wolf, pointing at others. yeah, I think they’re horrible, too. yeah, I think he’s somewhat lacking. yeah, I did like him.

he trampled on that spot he lived on by telling me he’s emotionally deaf and doesn’t see me as a woman, I don’t look anything like a woman he’d actually notice/see. how about I lost all the unneccesary weight. that was the moment when I stopped being interested. that was the moment when I got angry. is this what it comes down to? you can be caring, intelligent, charming, nice blahblahblah but the moment you don’t look like friggin’ angie jolie, you’re not a person? not interesting? well, fuck you too!

so I’m the fool that lends idiots an ear and a shoulder to cry on. so I’m the fool who lets others abuse them with their psychobabble. being a good listener starts to suck from the moment on you only get people’s mental diarrhoea, and when they’re done crapping on you, they go and fall for the ones who don’t give a damn. sure, go ahead do that. without me though. I’ve had enough.

psychological aide fees have gone up to 50 € per hour. non-refundable and cash only. thanks.

the inner child

it's short past midnight and I've just realized something kinda odd.
well, I've been busy with the latest Harry P. (yeah, I know, don't laugh) *chuckles* and looking towards the other couch, into the furry face of a stuffed kangaroo wearing a hooded bear-fleece jacket with ears in the hood so ya can stick its ears through... the toys cluttering my appartement (well, they are the kind for grown-ups... or anyone older than 12 hrmpffff)....

it might be I'm treating myself like the child I never had. and I'm a messy child, at that. I can't bring myself to tell my inner child to fecken' tidy this mess up, possibly because deep down inside I grin with glee at the wee chaos I'm inhabiting.

I'm starting to see I behave like men often do when they have a midlife crisis in their 40ies.

damn, this is more fun that it looks when watching them lads.

I could do with a house elf, too... someone to come here and tidy this lurvvvely place called my home ;o)

worshipped

"I miss our phonecalls" he had said.

it's around 10 pm when I take a break from my book to give him what he wants.

"oh heyyy" he goes "I had just kicked the neighbour out."

I chuckle.

"this is kinda freaky... you seem to know what I'm up to all the time" says he.

"yeah, I'm a psychic" I reply. "and I have placed cameras all over your place. I'm kinda tired tonight, so my brain is about to fall asleep."

"but that's great! so you're coming down to my nether regions!" that's him again. "so you already know I was up to some pretty nasty stuff earlier on today."

he babbles on about how hot it is in his place, how he's sweating his bum off and has problems sleeping at night because of that. I point out that sleeping in a longsleeved, longlegged pajama doesn't really help as he's already a high-temp source himself. he should go to other people's houses and sell himself as a heating/radiator.

"naaww, lately I sleep naked!"

oh thanks a lot, I so needed to know that! NOT!

a couple of minutes pass by with me making him laugh. he claims I'm the queen, the empress, whom he worships...

oh yeah? if that's the case... then why the hell won't you drop your pants and get me on my back? if you think I'm so great, then why do keep on insulting me? I'm not that horrible. stop being such a child, man!

let's just get it behind us and friggin' do it, this whole issue annoys me.

more tea?

at some stage late last week, the one who once broke my heart sent me an e-mail saying he'll be off to <insert crisis-region of your liking here> for 12 months with his work. we broke up about 6 years ago, but kept in an unsteady contact over all these years. call one another once or twice a year... send e-mails around every once in a while. just brief updates on what's happening to each other. the fact that we haven't lived in the same country nor continent in about 7 years doesn't really help any, either.

my mum visited yesterday afternoon for a cuppa and a little chit-chat. I told her about that mail and she glanced at me with her wth-look.

"can't let go of him?" she asks.
"well, I did. a long time ago. but he's been a big part of my life for a long, long time and we kept in a loose contact over the years." I answer

she gives me another of those looks.

"so, is he still spooking around in your head then?" she goes on.
"well, every once in a while. see, I know it's over, and I can never get that time back. but once upon a time I loved him and he was the only one in almost 30 years who loved me back. in his own weird way, but I believed him when he said he did. and he said it for a few years. and because of that, I'll always have a sore and soft spot in my heart for him and I don't want anything bad happening to him, ever. it wasn't my fault it didn't work out the way I would've liked it to be, I couldn't change the fact he moved away and never asked me to come along. sometimes love is not enough and sometimes there's nothing one can do to get that happy end. does that answer your questions?" I reply.

she shrugs and tries not to notice how I get agitated over the little convo and I quickly wipe away a treacherous tear that's suddenly appeared in my left eye.

"more tea?" I ask.

in shock

my heart goes out to London

why?

I don't know what to say

Happy Birthday, Tenzin Gyatso :)

70 years ago, on July 6th 1935, Lhamo Dhondrub was born in Tibet. A few years later, he got the job as the 14. Dalai Lama and changed his name to Tenzin Gyatso. the rest is history...

have you ever seen him laugh? his chuckle is heartwarming.

I remember seeing his pic for the first time. I was about 12 or 13 and started getting interested in buddhism. he was a young boy of 4 years when he was established as the new Dalai Lama and I thought how much pressure must lay on his shoulders. he studied and learned for years and years (probably still does) and had to leave Tibet as a young man after the chinese forced him out. he couldn't go home since then.

and he still has the ability to laugh.

many happy years, Dalai Lama, have a very happy birthday. the best wishes, health and peace for you, may you stay around for a long time and may you find a way back home for you and your people. please continue to be an icon and a leader to all of us who need your guidance and example in finding an inner peace and calm. the world wouldn't be the same without you.

tashi delek

this riddle is solved

as of 2 minutes ago, I solved a riddle that's puzzled me for a few weeks now. it's a cello. she sits there with her balcony door open in the house maybe 15 metres to my left and I can see her left hand holding the neck of her cello like a lover.

I open my balcony door even wider, sit there and enjoy her music with my eyes closed.

the little things in life.