fade to black

I'm back and so's my black mood. what has been a happy-go-lucky little Daria only a week ago has shrunk away into the unhappy being of before the holidays. the crying at nights is back. and so is the feeling I'm worthless. how was I supposed to know that the timespan I'd have to find someone to like me was between 18 and 23? how could I have known that?
closed doors, too fecken' late. I'm a social failure.

yeah boo-hooh go ahead and whine about it some more, ye old hag... go and indulge in your silly "noone loves ya". as if that's gonna help any.

what am I supposed to do now? I can't find a way out. apparently I'm not lovable. apparently there's something deeply wrong with me.

sure, and if you keep thinking about it, it'll just go on and on and on that way forever, like, and then you need more tissues for all your crying and whining. and you can keep on screaming how it's all unfair.. but let's be honest - noone wants to hear or see or read about that.
get on with your g'damn life, there's no other options anyways.

yes there is. suicide.

oh feck off, will ya! that isn't an option. that's just plain dumb. then "they" will win. and in your next life, you'll have the same shit again, do you really really want that?

hmm no, I don't. not really. allthough.. it'd be a different me. and I would've probably forgotten about THIS life by then.

fat fucken' chance, Daria. no such luck. here, take that and blow yer nose, good gal, and now let's not think about it for a couple of hours, my head aches from your rants and ravings.

a typical day with me and me.

jus' chillin'

2 weeks 2 days vacation. 4 days spent on various airports and one of the greatest city in europe, with a real good friend.... 2 full weeks spent at home, with myself. my plan had been to do as little as possible, and that's exactly what I'm doing. a huge stack of books, but my progress into those isn't as fast as anticipated... but hey!

how can I explain how it feels like to be able to do nothing much at all.. and that for 2 weeks? how can I make it clear how I'm not bored at all, all alone with myself? how can this 2-week-date with myself make me feel so centred, so self-assured, so soothed?

my feeling of being burned out and tired of life is decreasing with every passing hour... I'm calm and smiling quietly at myself whenever I pass a mirror in my house or a window on the street. I'm here! I'm not going anywhere! I don't have to be anywhere at a certain time, I don't have to spend time on other people's petty shite. I'm not exhausted anymore...

I'm filling myself up with silence and there have been whole days where I didn't speak a word, just reading and watching telly and being me. the real me. the me that needed rest so badly and now I'm giving myself what I needed for so many months.

apparently the sadness has taken a time-out as well.. probably tired of me.

yep, there's still problems. yes, there's still sorrows lurking around the corner, waiting to be solved. I just don't have any time for that shite right now.

I'm busy with myself.

no ranting or raving... life can be so uncomplicated :o)

so why not ranting and raving?

because I'm starting to see some good sides about being me. remember about my former mates and how annoyed I was at them? well.. the story continued on saturday late afternoon, when I talked to G and he said they couldn't get C's mother to babysit their kids as she found 1001 lame excuses and apologies why she couldn't/wouldn't have the time... so in other words: they couldn't go out and party with me. or at all.

I then looked around the "racing pages" about what's going on on saturday night in my good old city downtown.there was a DJ from connecticut DJing at the P.L. club... a club just up the road, across the bridge and through the park... around 300 metres from my house.

so at around quarter to 1 am I went there... for about 2 hours, dancing around, having a long drink (I figured out, when I go out all by myself, I drink much less... heck - nothing wrong with 8 euros worth of a club night, eh) and today I still have a bit of sore muscles across my legs but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

there was a young couple on the dance floor, and he was pretty much pissed... as in drunk off his arse and behaving like a total twat.. which was kinda awkward for the gf... and people in the crowd shook their heads at him.my conclusions: it really isn't all that bad being single and having no kids now.

a) I don't have to see to find a babysitter.

b) I don't have to be annoyed at a partner for behaving like a total cunt in public.

c) I can go home, nice and buzzed, and hang around my place, jump around to music at 4 am without feeling embarrassed... can play pc untill 4:30 am on a sunday morning and then stagger to bed after having taken the piss at everyone still online ehehehe

d) I can hang around the house on a sunday in my dirty sweaty bliss, cooking weird stuff and generally just trashing the place to my liking, thinking fuck-all about everything and spending my time with stuff I like doing without feeling sorry for someone else when I wanna read a book and not actually DO anything.

g'damn, life can be so good when I can see things clearly as this!

g'damn, life can be so uncomplicated, when the only person I have to think about is me and me alone :))))
I really dig when I can do what I want whenever I want it. no questions asked. just doing my own thang.

I suppose it's all about perspective. I suppose I can work on finding my life better, at least every once in a while. it isn't much, I know.. but hey, it's mine!

weird isn't the right word....

weird isn't the right word to describe how I felt when meeting up with 2 of my oldest former friends, Chi and G, for the first time in about 6 years...

once upon what feels like a lifetime G was here with work and via strange circumstances we got to be buddies... Chi was then still married to another dude, a work mate of G's.. and well, sometimes things go their own crazy ways and they fell for one another. we were 20 years old or so... they moved "back" to where he came from, on the other side of the planet, at some stage... she had their first kid... and another... they've a six-year-old daughter, and their son is 3 now, I guess...

have I changed so much or have they? why do I feel weird about listening to what an almost 30-year-old woman has to say who's never worked a single day in her life, which means that her kids are her "job", going on about how exhausted she is and how busy her life is... well, good for her she has a guy who brings home the dough... but... but... you know? is that all there is to her? is that all she wants from life? is that all she can achieve?

once upon a time, she lived with me at my folks' house when her and her ex split up... a short while before they went to the place on the other side of the atlantic... now they're back in my city for their holidays I feel so far away from her, it's impossible to see any similarities between us but our age and a common past of being treated like a piece of ass... what she worked out is finding a good guy who actually does give a shit about her... while for me... I dunno... it went a different way.

I never feel really strange about it up to the point where I think I have to defend myself against other people who went the "regular" way of finding one another, having a family, thinking fuck-all about anything else.
yeah, I know.. I'm constantly ranting and raving about it... why the heck do I feel like such a loser when situations like this occur?

6 days - 6 work - days are all that are between me and my holidays... and I'm fecken' tired, it's unbelievable.

sweet dreams are made of this...