been brighter before

at a loss for spoken words
a dagger in my heart
the world blocked out by the pain
there's no way out
nowhere to go
in a turmoil
the pain is crippling
weeping soul for all that's lost
for what can't be
don't want to let go of myself

orange free to good home

right, so now I'm seriously pissed off. went to this residencial buildings office to tell them I'd like to rent this appartement I'd taken a look at last week. to be honest: in some countries, it would be "the projects". you know... where people with little income can find a cheap place of residency. built in the 1960ies. old. not very comfy. ghetto.

the real estate manager handling the account told me I won't get it. while I'm still working full time, my income is too high. I told her, yeah, I know, but I wanna go back to school in september, so I need a cheaper flat than I live in now. to which she said: sorry we don't rent out to students. if I can get her a warrantor. I looked at her over her tidy counter, raised one eyebrow. I've been living on my own for a couple of years now and was always able to pay for rent AND food. I'm almost 30. I don't see why I should need my mummy's and daddy's okay to get a new home. or do I?

so I left that public office, my mood crashing through the sidewalk. I've heard all kinds of that shit before.
- we don't rent to single women
- single women don't earn that kind of money to pay for this flat
- you earn too much
- you earn too little
- no, sorry, no students
- no, sorry, no people working
- you're too young
- you're too old

duh-d'uuuuhhh!

I called me mumsy, holding back the tears of anger/frustration. she said I shouldn't be put off so easily. I'd find something else. and if not, I might wanna reconsider moving back in with them for as long as getting my exams will take. not that she wants me to come back. but she wouldn't mind it, and would very much like to offer me a place to stay so I can stop worrying about 1001 things.

I don't know what I shall do. I don't know if I could stand it again. I remember pretty well how I hated living there when I was still in school the last time. I don't know.

on the other hand: where else can I get such a big appartement with a fully equipped kitchen (with dishwasher and dryer), a huge garden and back porch and a live-in tomcat? especially for free. I could decide how much or how little I'd wanna work besides school. I could keep my sweet, sweet motorcycle. I could just pay off my credits without having to worry about the next electricity bill. I could live the life of a 16-year-old but with money.

but my folks would be around 24/7. I guess I should put a couch in my little bro's flat to crash on when I feel too pissed to fathom a half-hour train ride out into the countryside. and some clothes. hang on - this sounds like payback time/revenge to him! jolly good!!!

anybody out there? what would you do in my situation? any suggestions/opinions/advice?

*deep sigh*

not gonna happen

here we go again. had a mate visiting last weekend and things went well, as far as I can tell. 'course we had some quarrels, but hey - nothing I haven't heard before. we hung out, went around town, I showed him the "highlights" and what there is to see. he even accompanied me when I had 2 appointments to look at appartements. we went clubbing, played chess, watched movies... very relaxing stuff.

apart from the fact that he used my PC to hang around on the dating-websites of his area. and wrote e-mails to other girls. and pointed out on various occasions that I'm soooo not his type, while "oh my, look at this pretty gurly and her lovely boobs!!"
cheers mate, as if I hadn't known that before. I'm visibly retarded, of course. and blind. and deaf. duh-d'uuuhhh

I finally found a shop where I can order a system/needle for my ancient/well-loved record player. gots ter lurrrrve those high fidelity shops for folks with big pocketmoney ;o)


what's it with me that I get so fecken jealous all the time about situations and/or people? I mean... all I want is find a place where I belong. where I can be me. where I'll be accepted as I am. loved. hugged in the middle of the night when I once again can't sleep. told it's gonna be alright.

nah-uuuh. not gonna happen to this old orange. *sighs*

impatience

I've always been impatient... but when I feel shite, it even gets worse. anything can and will trigger me and then the real me turns into bitter superbitch, just without the super-hero-costume.

I haven't been able to post anything here in quite a few days. oh, don't get me wrong, I do have an internet access pretty much 24/7... I just couldn't be arsed. I would've had to force myself, just like I'm doing now. figured if I don't get back to it, I mightn't in a long time.

Lately I'm getting stressed out by the smallest things. someone popping by to say hello will result in me thinking they should just stay away since they're usually not bothering to bust around either. I'm tired of some folks I know who get loonier by the minute and then expect me to listen to their raving and rambling while they've lost their ability to just have a conversation. the hi-how-are-you-I'm-so-so-whatcha-up-to kind of convo. I'm sick of the constant bickering of people about how difficult their this-n-that life is. no, really? welcome to the real world, you twats! *shakes head*

I see stuff on the news and it's really horrible.. but I can't get a connection to it anymore. it's like I'm so numb, it doesn't touch me anymore. I'm listening to god-and-the-world's problems... and I try to be sympathetic, lend my ears and my attention and my time... and all I am is unattached. I'm a watcher, but I'm not taking part. the visible me is what's present, while my mind is elsewhere. I'm not really there.

The lights are on, but noone's home.